[ he's snapping. it takes a moment for her to realize this brittleness is the sting of realizing alina had kept something from him. she should have told him. it would have bought her his confidence. she'd been stupid to think choosing loyalty to his heartrender would feel like loyalty to him. ]
( with an unnecessary frankness: ) I would have probably taken it badly. Which is beside the point. I don't need my nerves soothed, I need to know where the threats lie so I don't stumble onto them, myself.
( if he had found matthias before nina had told him, well... they can be glad that they'll never find out. )
Nina offered. But obviously she's a Corporalki. It's not the same. And she has even less experience, although she is quite good at what she does.
[ all these admissions trail off, weakening her case. it feels like she's failing to defend something. she swallows the stone sitting in her throat and flatters him. ]
I want it to be you. We've barely gotten any time alone together, here.
I thought we had already established that. I know things have been chaotic. Neither of us has been our best. But I told you. My feelings are real.
[ and he had used that. she won't feel guilty for doing the same. even now they trouble and gnaw at her, making this hard. but she really believes that any alternative will be worse -- not just for her. for ravka. ]
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I trust Nina.
Sir.
She's your heartrender, isn't she? And she's certainly better at parties than Ivan.
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I'm well-aware of Nina's skills, just as I'm aware of how fond of him she is.
Even so, I don't plan to act against him unless provoked.
I am not a child.
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[ he's snapping. it takes a moment for her to realize this brittleness is the sting of realizing alina had kept something from him. she should have told him. it would have bought her his confidence. she'd been stupid to think choosing loyalty to his heartrender would feel like loyalty to him. ]
Nina wanted to be the one to tell you.
I'm sorry.
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( but, all right. )
Be careful with him.
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I'm not going to meddle in your affairs with your Grisha uninvited.
Do you expect me to come running to you at the sign of every threat? I should be able to handle them myself.
If Baghra were here, maybe I could. But all she taught me was how to show off for the king.
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Which is beside the point.
I don't need my nerves soothed, I need to know where the threats lie so I don't stumble onto them, myself.
( if he had found matthias before nina had told him, well... they can be glad that they'll never find out. )
I imagine she had plenty more planned for you.
( he's not bitter or anything. )
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Because I for one am absolutely terrified that everything on this planet is trying to kill me, possibly including Nina's new friend.
And I realize you may be used to that, and maybe you think I should be too, given what. What happened to Marie. But I'm not.
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Will you?
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( but it's not a no. )
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[ all these admissions trail off, weakening her case. it feels like she's failing to defend something. she swallows the stone sitting in her throat and flatters him. ]
I want it to be you.
We've barely gotten any time alone together, here.
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To be alone with me.
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I know things have been chaotic. Neither of us has been our best. But I told you. My feelings are real.
[ and he had used that. she won't feel guilty for doing the same. even now they trouble and gnaw at her, making this hard. but she really believes that any alternative will be worse -- not just for her. for ravka. ]
I thought yours were too.
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you.
Somewhere unlikely to draw the wrong sort of notice.
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You'll have to show me the way.
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[ it's deceptively easy to fall back into this. especially when he is not in front of her. this comms device, she realizes, might be dangerous. ]
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( it's not the first word that came to mind. )
I did have a life before I became the leader of the Second Army.
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[ if she can believe it's true. ]
Has it always been like this for the Grisha? As long as you've been alive?
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The Black Heretic.
Was he punishing them?
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