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[sunmon]

Comments

(several days later)

[sunmon]

I can't work at the theater anymore.

[guylining]

because of what i said?

alina i'm sorry, i was upset
i wasn't thinking

[sunmon]

no
no, you were right. i should have told you.
i can't work at the theater anymore because of the reason i didn't.
what happened to reggie was my fault

[guylining]

what are you talking about

[sunmon]

i mean i did it.
i killed reggie.

[guylining]

what the fuck do you mean?

[sunmon]

i can't say it any clearer, nate
i killed him
i used my power and i killed him in our living room

[guylining]

i dont


why would you do that?

[sunmon]

does it matter?
i did.

[guylining]

yeah it matters, it matters if it was something you chose deliberately or if something was wrong with you at the time

[ It matters because it's the difference between Hope Mikaelson and Jason Todd, or Victor Zsasz. It always matters. ]

[sunmon]

he died either way

[guylining]

yeah i got that message.

were you yourself or were you under some influence here?

[sunmon]

do you know where this city's influence ends and where the way it's changed you starts?
i was jealous.
i didn't want to share him, and i thought killing him was the only way i could keep him to myself.

[guylining]

their influence matters

it changes us

i can't blame you for how the city changes you any more than i can blame hope for killing someone while her conscience was missing

what matters is whether you were really yourself or whether you weren't

so you tell me: are those feelings normal for you or is it something they made you do?

[sunmon]

the city didn't make me jealous.
i've felt it before.

[guylining]

yeah but they make our negative traits worse all the time that's their whole deal

you've never come off like a killer to me

[sunmon]

it's not the first death i've been responsible for.
i left people to die in the fold.
i killed the sea whip for power.
i almost killed a grisha just to send a message. because he tried to undermine me.

[ and soon, unless something changes, she will have to kill the darkling. she has spent too much time bringing herself around to the reality of killing someone she once loved. ]

i wish that i could tell you that it's just the city.

[guylining]

then you have to decide if that's the person you want to be, alina

if that's the road you want to take

because if that's really who you are, then yeah, we can't be friends. power, jealousy, none of that is worth someone's life

but from how you're talking i think you know that

for what it's worth reggie has his own issues with sharing. he's the last person who'd betray you.

[sunmon]

that's the point, nate.
these are my feelings, even if the city is making them worse.
i can't stop it from doing that again.
wanting to be better doesn't matter when i don't have any control over it.
it's in me, and they'll use it.

[guylining]

yeah but when they use it it's on them

when you choose it, it's on you

that's why context matters.

[sunmon]

if it's really just on them, then why do i feel like this?

[guylining]

because you're not a monster

hope regretted nothing until she got her conscience back
victor zsasz and roman sionis have no remorse, they're proud of it. they always defend it.
when someone i thought was my friend used my magic to kill, they were only sorry for tricking me, they still thought it was worth it

remorse is the difference between you and all of them. it matters.

[sunmon]

so i'm good because i'm suffering?
strangely fitting for the life of a saint.

[guylining]

if the only people who were supposed to feel bad about what they've done were saints, we'd all be in trouble

i don't accept by the way.

[sunmon]

what do you mean you don't accept?
you can't still want me around you.
reggie doesn't.