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[sunmon]

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[sunmon]

the city didn't make me jealous.
i've felt it before.

[guylining]

yeah but they make our negative traits worse all the time that's their whole deal

you've never come off like a killer to me

[sunmon]

it's not the first death i've been responsible for.
i left people to die in the fold.
i killed the sea whip for power.
i almost killed a grisha just to send a message. because he tried to undermine me.

[ and soon, unless something changes, she will have to kill the darkling. she has spent too much time bringing herself around to the reality of killing someone she once loved. ]

i wish that i could tell you that it's just the city.

[guylining]

then you have to decide if that's the person you want to be, alina

if that's the road you want to take

because if that's really who you are, then yeah, we can't be friends. power, jealousy, none of that is worth someone's life

but from how you're talking i think you know that

for what it's worth reggie has his own issues with sharing. he's the last person who'd betray you.

[sunmon]

that's the point, nate.
these are my feelings, even if the city is making them worse.
i can't stop it from doing that again.
wanting to be better doesn't matter when i don't have any control over it.
it's in me, and they'll use it.

[guylining]

yeah but when they use it it's on them

when you choose it, it's on you

that's why context matters.

[sunmon]

if it's really just on them, then why do i feel like this?

[guylining]

because you're not a monster

hope regretted nothing until she got her conscience back
victor zsasz and roman sionis have no remorse, they're proud of it. they always defend it.
when someone i thought was my friend used my magic to kill, they were only sorry for tricking me, they still thought it was worth it

remorse is the difference between you and all of them. it matters.

[sunmon]

so i'm good because i'm suffering?
strangely fitting for the life of a saint.

[guylining]

if the only people who were supposed to feel bad about what they've done were saints, we'd all be in trouble

i don't accept by the way.

[sunmon]

what do you mean you don't accept?
you can't still want me around you.
reggie doesn't.

[guylining]

i mean i don't accept, you're not leaving
if you need time to deal with all of this then i absolutely get that and you should take whatever you need. but come back after. i'm not holding the city's shit against you.

you're not a monster, i don't believe it and i think i've dealt with enough of them to know the difference.

[sunmon]

just like that?
i thought reggie was your friend.

[guylining]

he is
so are you

[sunmon]

i shouldn't be.

[guylining]

i'm not going to punish you

[sunmon]

why not?
this is exactly what people deserve to be punished for!

[guylining]

yeah
and when i find the people i actually hold responsible for killing him, and bringing him back, and killing my friends and bringing them back and turning others into killers and stealing others away

then i will punish them.

but i don't blame you.

[sunmon]

you should.
you should blame me.
i do.

[guylining]

guilt is one of the hardest things we ever have to live with

so if you think you need punishment, maybe you have it.

i don't think you need more
i don't think you would've done this if they hadn't influenced you

[sunmon]

i don't know what i'm supposed to do to make it stop.
i can't undo it.

[guylining]

no one ever can

it's why people look to god, you know? for absolution, as if your mistakes can be wiped away that easily

if you have faith maybe you could do that

if not? you have to find another way
protect others, maybe.

[sunmon]

[ she thinks of jess. of the haggard, hopeless, tired way that she tries and fails to intervene. what guilt is she carrying that she's trying to make up for, alina wonders.

it doesn't seem to be helping. ]

i've never really been a big believer in the grace of saints.

[guylining]

you should talk to reggie

when you're ready. and when he is.

he'll need closure. maybe you can talk about it and it'll help you both in the end

[sunmon]

yeah.
he said he needs space.
i don't want to push.