sunmon | @duplicitynet inbox

guilt is one of the hardest things we ever have to live with

so if you think you need punishment, maybe you have it.

i don't think you need more
i don't think you would've done this if they hadn't influenced you

i don't know what i'm supposed to do to make it stop.
i can't undo it.

no one ever can

it's why people look to god, you know? for absolution, as if your mistakes can be wiped away that easily

if you have faith maybe you could do that

if not? you have to find another way
protect others, maybe.

[ she thinks of jess. of the haggard, hopeless, tired way that she tries and fails to intervene. what guilt is she carrying that she's trying to make up for, alina wonders.

it doesn't seem to be helping. ]

i've never really been a big believer in the grace of saints.

you should talk to reggie

when you're ready. and when he is.

he'll need closure. maybe you can talk about it and it'll help you both in the end

yeah.
he said he needs space.
i don't want to push.

he'll need it

but eventually he'll need something else.
you can help him deal with it when he does

what if i'm not the person who can help him anymore?

then you have to do what's right for him, either way

you can't change what happened you can only influence where it goes from here

but i think he'll need you.

he's the only thing in my life that's ever really been good
i think i ruined it.

you don't know that yet

don't i?
it's easier for you to say it wasn't my fault.
you didn't have to look me in the eye.

he said he needed space

you have to let him have that and let him decide what happens next
it's the only choice in this whole thing that he gets, so you have to let him make it

i know.
i am.
i just want to go back to how it was before it happened
i want to undo it

we all do at times like this

so that's it?
i just go back to the theater and work and carry on like things are fine and normal even though they aren't?

that's all there is

there is no magic fix for this

i wish there were

i'm so tired.

have you slept

most of the day.
most of all the days.
i don't think it's that kind of tired.
it was like this in ravka too.
it's ok
i'll figure it out.

did anything help you before?

coming here.
for a while, at least.
i haven't had to be a saint or the sun summoner except on stage. i got away from it.
now there's other stuff to get away from.
so if you know of any other worlds that are kidnapping people from their lives...

it's hypocritical of me to say this and i know that, but

maybe running away isn't the answer to your problems, in that case
maybe you have to face them head on

i was trying to.
in ravka i was leading the second army to prepare for a fight with the darkling.

'the darkling', my god what a name

look honestly?
i think you should take some time off, get your head together
then talk to reggie, deal with this head on
and then come back. live your life again.

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sunmon - 2022-03-20 23:37 (UTC) - Expand

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guylining - 2022-03-20 23:50 (UTC) - Expand