@duplicitynet inbox

[sunmon]

Comments

( un: starless | text )

[morozova]

Do you want me to continue to take the pills?

[sunmon]

Do you need to continue to take the pills?

[morozova]

You mean do I plan to do anything rash?
No.
I don't believe so.

[sunmon]

I suppose if you planned it, it wouldn't be rash.

[morozova]

A fair point.
But attacking you, however indirectly, is hardly going to alter my present situation.

[sunmon]

Oh, attacking me isn't advantageous anymore. What a relief.

[morozova]

It was never advantageous.

( just briefly satisfying. )

[sunmon]

Then why would I believe you won't do it again should the mood strike just because it won't help you now, when it was never going to?

[morozova]

Because I have always needed you more than you've needed me.
I still do.

[sunmon]

[ is this ... humility? from the darkling? ]

I don't care what pills you do or don't take.
Just stay out of my saints-forsaken house.
This thing between us is toxic. You realize that, don't you? We don't need each other. We make each other worse.

[morozova]

I don't intend on going near your home.

( as to the rest, well. )

Do you want my genuine response to that or shall I bite my tongue?

[sunmon]

Are you ever genuine?

[morozova]

I'll rephrase in that case: shall I answer or shall I not?

[sunmon]

Answer.



And stop playing the role of a good Submissive only when it's irritating.

[morozova]

I did warn you I was out of practice at it.

( but, all right. )

Leaving aside the various complications to our relationship.
Have I ever asked you to apologize for who or what you are?

[sunmon]

I don't know who or what I am.
The person that I am when you're around isn't a person I recognize.

[morozova]

You're Alina Starkov. Whatever else you choose to let that mean, that hasn't changed.

[sunmon]

Am I?
Mal wouldn't even recognize me.
He barely could in Os Alta.

[morozova]

That's because he's a child, Alina.
One who defines his worth by how he is perceived by others.
And brilliant as he may be, he can hardly outshine the sun itself?
So he made you small and fearful and weak. When you were never meant to be any of those things.

[sunmon]

We're the same age!
And YOU are the one who made me small. You made me a slave.

[ she is angry only because she thinks of novyi zem, of how dependent on mal she had been, of how sickly she had been before she had discovered her grisha power, and how good it had felt to no longer need that. to be strong and radiant and important all on her own.

and then she feels foolish. because isn't that defining her worth by how she is perceived? isn't that all the childish things he criticizes mal for? twice foolish, for caring about the darkling's opinion at all. ]

[morozova]

I made you a tool.
It was unfair of me, I admit that.
But after four hundred years of seeking a solution to our people's suffering, I think I can be forgiven my impatience. I did not ask you for it because, frankly, I knew I never deserved it.

[sunmon]

Finally something we can agree on.
You don't deserve it.

[ it feels wrong to keep snarling at him when he is admitting fault, but it's the snakelike way he does it that keeps alina going. like he's wriggling away from responsibility. ]

All you've done is proven my point.

[ here they are. revisiting all the ways they make each other worse. ]

[morozova]

Maybe so.

Regardless, I do regret the pain that I caused you.
I should have explained what I had attended and allowed the choice. You deserved that.

[sunmon]

You're very good at avoiding apologies.

[ he's found every other way to say it. for the better, she thinks. she doesn't even know what to do with this much. ]

[morozova]

Would it help if I did?