sunmon | @duplicitynet inbox

We're the same age!
And YOU are the one who made me small. You made me a slave.

[ she is angry only because she thinks of novyi zem, of how dependent on mal she had been, of how sickly she had been before she had discovered her grisha power, and how good it had felt to no longer need that. to be strong and radiant and important all on her own.

and then she feels foolish. because isn't that defining her worth by how she is perceived? isn't that all the childish things he criticizes mal for? twice foolish, for caring about the darkling's opinion at all. ]

I made you a tool.
It was unfair of me, I admit that.
But after four hundred years of seeking a solution to our people's suffering, I think I can be forgiven my impatience. I did not ask you for it because, frankly, I knew I never deserved it.

Finally something we can agree on.
You don't deserve it.

[ it feels wrong to keep snarling at him when he is admitting fault, but it's the snakelike way he does it that keeps alina going. like he's wriggling away from responsibility. ]

All you've done is proven my point.

[ here they are. revisiting all the ways they make each other worse. ]

Maybe so.

Regardless, I do regret the pain that I caused you.
I should have explained what I had attended and allowed the choice. You deserved that.

You're very good at avoiding apologies.

[ he's found every other way to say it. for the better, she thinks. she doesn't even know what to do with this much. ]

Would it help if I did?

you seem to believe it's different enough to avoid

Apologizing for the collar would be a lie.

( an acknowledgement of his fault is about as much as she can expect here. at the end of the day, ravka will always come first. the grisha will always come first. )

What happened in the studio, though.
I don't understand it, but that hardly excuses it.
For that, I am sorry and will accept whatever punishment you deem necessary.

youre already being punished.

[ the apartment. she rubs at her eyes. does she really want to delight in being cruel to him? ]

what do you mean you don't understand it?

I have endured far worse than what you did.
It made me angry, certainly, but not to the extent as that. Everything felt magnified.

i told you.
we make each other worse.

I think it's the nature of opposites to push against each other, Alina.
This was different.
Do I strike you as someone to do something so reckless, especially when I am very angry?

what do you expect me to say?
that you're too SMART to attack me?

[ well, he is. she'd told andy and jess as much. yet she feels uneasy about it now. both because it means no matter what he says on the subject, it could happen again — and because it makes her anger muddy. just as andy had said it would. ]