[ this is where she begins. it's hard to answer. there is so much from that sudden, brief flood of emotion that she hasn't sifted through, from when the cave opened up into her and nikolai's room. she remembers aleksander's face. remembers feathers sticking out of her shoulder blades. she rubs at her own face. ]
You're only thinking like this because that cave is messing with you.
[But would she still be beautiful if it was all visible instead of hidden behind a sardonic smile and uncaring nature? Probably not. After all, Ianthe was only beautiful when her sister wasn't there reminding everyone what beauty was supposed to be. Thankfully, Alina never met her. Didn't know any better.]
Maybe. I can't tell where I end and everyone else begins anymore. It's so loud in my head, and still she calls and I hear. I've come so close to just going. She's so angry at me. Angry at you. And then I feel them... them... all of them and their fucking emotions. It makes me want to rip my skull open and reach inside, pulling them all out one by one until there's nothing left.
You know, sometimes I'm envious of you. Having been an orphan. Probably doesn't make sense, but there's something freeing, I think, in not having family. At least sometimes. You get to choose your family, not tied by blood. You don't come pre-equipped with expectations and obligations. You don't have to watch them diminish your worth, replace you, forget about you. You started out alone. You didn't just find yourself one day shoved to the outside and left there, unacknowledged and screaming at the universe for... something other than disdain and dismissal. Because the people that mattered liked your sisters better than you.
Thought I could be free of that here, but no, it's still happening. SHE WON'T SHUT UP.
kill her... kill her... kill them all... then no one gets to be the favorite and no one is surprised and let them hate me if they won't...
SHE CAN'T MAKE ME DO IT, NOT THIS TIME. She won't do it. She never goes through with it. Lies. Lies. Just another lie.
[ alina tries not to take it to heart. she flinches, visibly, though, because she's just too raw not to feel the cut. like she should be grateful, like her life has been better, because her parents died on the fold. she thinks of all the pains of the orphanage, the poverty, the way it shaped her entire life into whatever could keep her out of that. the way she was luckier than others like her, not enlisted too young, not put on a front line because ana kuya had taught her to draw, not dead in fjerda or shu han or the fold. ]
Believe me. Not having parents gives plenty of reasons for people to diminish your worth, to be made to feel like you have none.
[ isn't that the core of all of it, for her? that desperate striving to prove that she means something, that she matters. the need for someone to see her.
the rest, she sets aside for now. she can't tell ianthe that coronabeth isn't there, can she? because she is. just like aleksander has been there for her, all this time, and it turned out he really was. but she can at least try to keep ianthe focused on the non-murderous parts of the conversation, the non-corona parts. ]
I know that. I know that. I know, I know, I know. Like convergent evolution. But parents are supposed to love their children. All of them. Not just one, especially not when they were always together. I'm the necromancer. ME. Not her. ME. I was the one that kept that fucking con going. Everything they had after our birth was because of me. Everything she had was because of me. I had to make myself look weak to make her look better.
"What a great necromancer the Crown Princess was." "How lucky that the Third House had such a strong heir." "Look at her; she's not even breaking a blood sweat. Such talent... unlike the other princess. Someone should pick her up off the floor. It's embarrassing."
Then I prove them all wrong and what does that get me? Thrust into another family that doesn't want me. Ignored. With another sister that gets dotted on. It's no different here. I'm still not a real part of the family.
i tried, i tried, and it's never enough, so why bother. why bother. everyone will hate me in the end. they always do.
Fuck, Alina, I'm surrounded by everyone's thoughts, feelings, pain, pleasure, and I feel so fucking alone. I miss you. I'm sorry.
[ that's the most important part, really. she thinks of the night she'd gone to aleksander's house, thrown herself onto the bed and wept for her own empty bed. feeling sorry for herself. and how he'd been there, and how he'd held her, and how he'd been real, and it makes her sick.
if ianthe had been in town, would alina have called her? wouldn't she? it wouldn't have changed any of the past several months. it wouldn't have undone all the other times she found comfort in him. ]
I'm sorry that your parents made you feel like that. Don't focus on them, alright? Focus on me. Tell me about the search for the heart.
[It took a moment for Ianthe to focus on facts not the miasma of feelings she was drowning in. How she hated to drown. Her least favorite way to die.]
We're getting closer. That's what Gilia and Sweeney say. Tunnels are getting tighter, some people have already died. We're all going to die down here. If the mushroom people don't get us, we'll end up killing each other. And then I'll get back up and--[Truly be alone. At least it'd be quiet except for Corona.]Probably walk down the closest Void tunnel. Or kill everything down here in hopes of finding the heart.
Um. Iggy stopped me from shutting everything off inside. I got close. He made me remember you instead of her. Our monsters are half on the outside. Doesn't matter how much we fuck or fight. Too much emotion. I'm tired of having fangs, so fucking hungry, and I swear if I feel Felipe's jealousy flare one more time I'm going to rip his dick off and glue it to his forehead.
I want to tell you a story. Old myth from before. It's a tragedy, fair warning, but this place makes me think about it, like I'm traveling the bowels of the Underworld.
Can't escape the romance in this story. Pretty sure every Greek tragedy is about love. But this one resonates with me because I pretty much watched this same story happen in real life. This is the story of Orpheus and Eurydice:
Orpheus was the son of Apollo, the sun god. He was beautiful and a wonderful musician. Not the smartest man out there, but earnest and sweet. Never a care in the world, he was always wrapped up in his music. And then he met Eurydice and fell in love with her. There was a whirlwind romance and soon they decided they would wed and spend the rest of their lives together. But Fate was cruel; Eurydice was bitten by a venomous snake and died before they could be wed.
Orpheus was devastated and wasted away in his grief, unable to make more music for he no longer felt joy without Eurydice. Then one day, he decided he would just go to the Underworld and get her back. But one does not just walk directly into the Underworld, past its guard dog, and demand Hades return one soul. No, Orpheus might not have been bright but he wasn't dumb. He took a secret path, far longer, and suffered many a hardship as he traversed alone into the Underworld. So strong was his love and his dedication, that he persevered and eventually came to the palace of the God of Death, Hades, and demanded he free the woman he loved.
Hades laughed and dismissed Orpheus, but the love-sick man didn't give up. He had one talent: music. So he gave Hades a song that stirred long-forgotten feelings inside the god. Moved as he was--
[In a sudden and obvious break from the tale, product of an intrusive thought and a ripple in the empathy web:]
Lyctorhood was family, I was told. We were to refer to our fellow lyctors as brother and sister, with God acting as a benevolent father. Even made us all sit down to dinner together. Watched him start to have a threesome with Augustine and Mercy, and it wasn't the first time. He didn't touch Harrow but he treated her special, like an actual daughter even though he was just a shitty of a father as my own. I was ignored by him, any time I asked him for help on something he just told me to figure it out on my own.
Then we get here and it's the same thing all over again. I'm the only lyctor here, and I don't even get invited for dinner or on the family camping trip or attuned to the wards.
I'm brilliant, I'm the greatest necromancer the Third has ever produced, I came at his invitation to become a lyctor, I've done things no one had done in ten thousand years, I gave up my home for him, I saved his fucking life over the man I actually liked who bothered to teach me things, and still it's not enough. I'm not enough.
I'm so tired of feeling Danny's obsession and Jem's need, their love, and all the family shit that I don't get to be a part of, like I'm the estranged daughter from another marriage that no one gives a shit about. And all I come back to is that I won't fuck him.
[Oops. Good point. At least least there's finally a benefit to the Void driving her crazy as she's obsessing over her sister more than anything. She put a cork in that bottle as best she could.]
Orpheus didn't give up and played a song for Hades that was so beautiful that it stirred up long-forgotten feelings in Hades. Moved as he was, he agreed to release Eurydice from death. But deals with the God of Death are never cut and dry. If Hades just let her go, word would get out and he'd have mortals coming down for their loved ones over and over, so he put conditions on the release of Eurydice. Orpheus, having already endured so much to get there, to win Hades over, agreed to the terms set forth:
Orpheus was to return to the living world, using the same path as his arrival, and trust that Eurydice was following him. If he looked back to check that she was there before they crossed the threshold back to the land of the living, her soul would immediately return to the Underworld where he would never see her again.
The trek was long, but Orpheus traveled it, Eurydice trailing behind him unable to speak or touch him, to let him know she was there. Faith was all he had to keep him going, one foot in front of the other, unknowing if the woman he loved was indeed there behind him. The closer he got to the living world, the more thoughts of doubt entered his mind. What if she wasn't there? What if something had happened to her? What if it had been a trick of Hades to just get him out of the way? Was she really there?
These thoughts permeated his mind, torturing him as he kept walking, never leaving him alone. Ever-present, each step, until he at last saw the threshold before him. He was almost there, almost made it all the way back from the Underworld... but it would be all for naught, if Eurydice was not there. And that fear that everything he had endured was for nothing, that surely if Eurydice had been there she would've found a way to let him know... but he'd felt so alone the entire trek, so overcome with his emotions, that the moment he reached the threshold, he had to look back.
And there Eurydice was, right behind him, but still on the other side of the threshold, still lost in the darkness of the Underworld. They locked eyes for one last moment as Orpheus realized his mistake before Eurydice vanished, shunted back to join the rest of the dead. For the deal was that both of them had to cross from the darkness into the light.
Being down here, going through these caverns with everything in our heads, in search of a heart, makes me think about it.
You know, back home, on the Mithraeum, not long after my ascension, I basically watched Orpheus take that deal and break his neck so he physically could not turn his head to look back at Eurydice. And then he asked me to pluck his eyes out for him, just to be sure. Orpheus thought this was perfectly normal, logical behavior. Eurydice was offended and took it as Orpheus never ever wanted to look upon her again.
And I'm the only one that saw it for what it really was: love.
How do you think Eurydice felt, walking behind him?
He'd come to the Underworld for her, yes, but don't you think she wondered if he'd lost his nerve and decided to leave with or without her, if that was why he didn't care to make sure she was with him?
At least if he looked back, she'd die knowing that he loved her so much, he couldn't bear the possibility that she wouldn't be with him.
Love goes both ways, Solnyshka. At least it should. Orpheus loved her enough to endure everything to get her back. Shouldn't Eurydice be willing to do the same?
Look, both sides of what I saw was stupid as fuck. It's not how I would've done it, but I do understand the lengths that Orpheus went. But love is messy and makes little sense. It's supposed to be a gift, but often times it feels like a curse or swallowing a razorblade.
No... What is he? Ugh. Go away. Leave me al-- Hang on, Alina.
[five minutes later...]
Sorry bout that. Rather talk to you than fuck. What are you wearing?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
finally gets back to this now that alina's cave intermission is done
[ this is where she begins. it's hard to answer. there is so much from that sudden, brief flood of emotion that she hasn't sifted through, from when the cave opened up into her and nikolai's room. she remembers aleksander's face. remembers feathers sticking out of her shoulder blades. she rubs at her own face. ]
You're only thinking like this because that cave is messing with you.
cw: allusions to self-harm, ref to murder/death
Maybe. I can't tell where I end and everyone else begins anymore. It's so loud in my head, and still she calls and I hear. I've come so close to just going. She's so angry at me. Angry at you. And then I feel them... them... all of them and their fucking emotions. It makes me want to rip my skull open and reach inside, pulling them all out one by one until there's nothing left.
You know, sometimes I'm envious of you. Having been an orphan. Probably doesn't make sense, but there's something freeing, I think, in not having family. At least sometimes. You get to choose your family, not tied by blood. You don't come pre-equipped with expectations and obligations. You don't have to watch them diminish your worth, replace you, forget about you. You started out alone. You didn't just find yourself one day shoved to the outside and left there, unacknowledged and screaming at the universe for... something other than disdain and dismissal. Because the people that mattered liked your sisters better than you.
Thought I could be free of that here, but no, it's still happening. SHE WON'T SHUT UP.
kill her... kill her... kill them all... then no one gets to be the favorite and no one is surprised and let them hate me if they won't...
SHE CAN'T MAKE ME DO IT, NOT THIS TIME. She won't do it. She never goes through with it. Lies. Lies. Just another lie.
no subject
Believe me. Not having parents gives plenty of reasons for people to diminish your worth, to be made to feel like you have none.
[ isn't that the core of all of it, for her? that desperate striving to prove that she means something, that she matters. the need for someone to see her.
the rest, she sets aside for now. she can't tell ianthe that coronabeth isn't there, can she? because she is. just like aleksander has been there for her, all this time, and it turned out he really was. but she can at least try to keep ianthe focused on the non-murderous parts of the conversation, the non-corona parts. ]
no subject
"What a great necromancer the Crown Princess was."
"How lucky that the Third House had such a strong heir."
"Look at her; she's not even breaking a blood sweat. Such talent... unlike the other princess. Someone should pick her up off the floor. It's embarrassing."
Then I prove them all wrong and what does that get me? Thrust into another family that doesn't want me. Ignored. With another sister that gets dotted on. It's no different here. I'm still not a real part of the family.
i tried, i tried, and it's never enough, so why bother. why bother. everyone will hate me in the end. they always do.
Fuck, Alina, I'm surrounded by everyone's thoughts, feelings, pain, pleasure, and I feel so fucking alone. I miss you. I'm sorry.
(cw: toxic relationship, dubcon refs, jealousy, codependence)
[ that's the most important part, really. she thinks of the night she'd gone to aleksander's house, thrown herself onto the bed and wept for her own empty bed. feeling sorry for herself. and how he'd been there, and how he'd held her, and how he'd been real, and it makes her sick.
if ianthe had been in town, would alina have called her? wouldn't she? it wouldn't have changed any of the past several months. it wouldn't have undone all the other times she found comfort in him. ]
I'm sorry that your parents made you feel like that.
Don't focus on them, alright?
Focus on me.
Tell me about the search for the heart.
cw: death, lobotomies, suicidal ideation, genocide, genital mutilation
We're getting closer. That's what Gilia and Sweeney say. Tunnels are getting tighter, some people have already died. We're all going to die down here. If the mushroom people don't get us, we'll end up killing each other. And then I'll get back up and-- [Truly be alone. At least it'd be quiet except for Corona.] Probably walk down the closest Void tunnel. Or kill everything down here in hopes of finding the heart.
Um. Iggy stopped me from shutting everything off inside. I got close. He made me remember you instead of her. Our monsters are half on the outside. Doesn't matter how much we fuck or fight. Too much emotion. I'm tired of having fangs, so fucking hungry, and I swear if I feel Felipe's jealousy flare one more time I'm going to rip his dick off and glue it to his forehead.
It sucks down here. Don't ever come down here.
no subject
[ is that funny or true? ]
But I promise not to come down there if you promise not to die down there in a way you can't come back from.
no subject
I want to tell you a story. Old myth from before. It's a tragedy, fair warning, but this place makes me think about it, like I'm traveling the bowels of the Underworld.
no subject
They're very Ravkan.
no subject
no subject
(cw: IC butchering of a classic Greek tale)
Orpheus was the son of Apollo, the sun god. He was beautiful and a wonderful musician. Not the smartest man out there, but earnest and sweet. Never a care in the world, he was always wrapped up in his music. And then he met Eurydice and fell in love with her. There was a whirlwind romance and soon they decided they would wed and spend the rest of their lives together. But Fate was cruel; Eurydice was bitten by a venomous snake and died before they could be wed.
Orpheus was devastated and wasted away in his grief, unable to make more music for he no longer felt joy without Eurydice. Then one day, he decided he would just go to the Underworld and get her back. But one does not just walk directly into the Underworld, past its guard dog, and demand Hades return one soul. No, Orpheus might not have been bright but he wasn't dumb. He took a secret path, far longer, and suffered many a hardship as he traversed alone into the Underworld. So strong was his love and his dedication, that he persevered and eventually came to the palace of the God of Death, Hades, and demanded he free the woman he loved.
Hades laughed and dismissed Orpheus, but the love-sick man didn't give up. He had one talent: music. So he gave Hades a song that stirred long-forgotten feelings inside the god. Moved as he was--
[In a sudden and obvious break from the tale, product of an intrusive thought and a ripple in the empathy web:]
Do you think it's because I won't fuck him?
no subject
no subject
No, John. I wonder if that's why I don't get to be part of the family. Not really.
(cw: kinkshaming)
cw: incest
Lyctorhood was family, I was told. We were to refer to our fellow lyctors as brother and sister, with God acting as a benevolent father. Even made us all sit down to dinner together. Watched him start to have a threesome with Augustine and Mercy, and it wasn't the first time. He didn't touch Harrow but he treated her special, like an actual daughter even though he was just a shitty of a father as my own. I was ignored by him, any time I asked him for help on something he just told me to figure it out on my own.
Then we get here and it's the same thing all over again. I'm the only lyctor here, and I don't even get invited for dinner or on the family camping trip or attuned to the wards.
I'm brilliant, I'm the greatest necromancer the Third has ever produced, I came at his invitation to become a lyctor, I've done things no one had done in ten thousand years, I gave up my home for him, I saved his fucking life over the man I actually liked who bothered to teach me things, and still it's not enough. I'm not enough.
I'm so tired of feeling Danny's obsession and Jem's need, their love, and all the family shit that I don't get to be a part of, like I'm the estranged daughter from another marriage that no one gives a shit about. And all I come back to is that I won't fuck him.
no subject
Be very careful.
Just like you can feel their feelings, they can feel yours.
If we discuss this now, they'll learn things about how you regard him that you don't want him finding out. And they'll tell him.
I think we should talk about it more when you're back.
no subject
You're right. Where was I in the story?
no subject
no subject
Orpheus didn't give up and played a song for Hades that was so beautiful that it stirred up long-forgotten feelings in Hades. Moved as he was, he agreed to release Eurydice from death. But deals with the God of Death are never cut and dry. If Hades just let her go, word would get out and he'd have mortals coming down for their loved ones over and over, so he put conditions on the release of Eurydice. Orpheus, having already endured so much to get there, to win Hades over, agreed to the terms set forth:
Orpheus was to return to the living world, using the same path as his arrival, and trust that Eurydice was following him. If he looked back to check that she was there before they crossed the threshold back to the land of the living, her soul would immediately return to the Underworld where he would never see her again.
The trek was long, but Orpheus traveled it, Eurydice trailing behind him unable to speak or touch him, to let him know she was there. Faith was all he had to keep him going, one foot in front of the other, unknowing if the woman he loved was indeed there behind him. The closer he got to the living world, the more thoughts of doubt entered his mind. What if she wasn't there? What if something had happened to her? What if it had been a trick of Hades to just get him out of the way? Was she really there?
These thoughts permeated his mind, torturing him as he kept walking, never leaving him alone. Ever-present, each step, until he at last saw the threshold before him. He was almost there, almost made it all the way back from the Underworld... but it would be all for naught, if Eurydice was not there. And that fear that everything he had endured was for nothing, that surely if Eurydice had been there she would've found a way to let him know... but he'd felt so alone the entire trek, so overcome with his emotions, that the moment he reached the threshold, he had to look back.
And there Eurydice was, right behind him, but still on the other side of the threshold, still lost in the darkness of the Underworld. They locked eyes for one last moment as Orpheus realized his mistake before Eurydice vanished, shunted back to join the rest of the dead. For the deal was that both of them had to cross from the darkness into the light.
no subject
It's very Ravkan.
cw: ref to self-harm, eye trauma
You know, back home, on the Mithraeum, not long after my ascension, I basically watched Orpheus take that deal and break his neck so he physically could not turn his head to look back at Eurydice. And then he asked me to pluck his eyes out for him, just to be sure. Orpheus thought this was perfectly normal, logical behavior. Eurydice was offended and took it as Orpheus never ever wanted to look upon her again.
And I'm the only one that saw it for what it really was: love.
no subject
How do you think Eurydice felt, walking behind him?
He'd come to the Underworld for her, yes, but don't you think she wondered if he'd lost his nerve and decided to leave with or without her, if that was why he didn't care to make sure she was with him?
At least if he looked back, she'd die knowing that he loved her so much, he couldn't bear the possibility that she wouldn't be with him.
cw: self-harm metaphor
Look, both sides of what I saw was stupid as fuck. It's not how I would've done it, but I do understand the lengths that Orpheus went. But love is messy and makes little sense. It's supposed to be a gift, but often times it feels like a curse or swallowing a razorblade.
No... What is he? Ugh. Go away. Leave me al-- Hang on, Alina.
[five minutes later...]
Sorry bout that. Rather talk to you than fuck.
What are you wearing?
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)