Lyctorhood was family, I was told. We were to refer to our fellow lyctors as brother and sister, with God acting as a benevolent father. Even made us all sit down to dinner together. Watched him start to have a threesome with Augustine and Mercy, and it wasn't the first time. He didn't touch Harrow but he treated her special, like an actual daughter even though he was just a shitty of a father as my own. I was ignored by him, any time I asked him for help on something he just told me to figure it out on my own.
Then we get here and it's the same thing all over again. I'm the only lyctor here, and I don't even get invited for dinner or on the family camping trip or attuned to the wards.
I'm brilliant, I'm the greatest necromancer the Third has ever produced, I came at his invitation to become a lyctor, I've done things no one had done in ten thousand years, I gave up my home for him, I saved his fucking life over the man I actually liked who bothered to teach me things, and still it's not enough. I'm not enough.
I'm so tired of feeling Danny's obsession and Jem's need, their love, and all the family shit that I don't get to be a part of, like I'm the estranged daughter from another marriage that no one gives a shit about. And all I come back to is that I won't fuck him.
[Oops. Good point. At least least there's finally a benefit to the Void driving her crazy as she's obsessing over her sister more than anything. She put a cork in that bottle as best she could.]
Orpheus didn't give up and played a song for Hades that was so beautiful that it stirred up long-forgotten feelings in Hades. Moved as he was, he agreed to release Eurydice from death. But deals with the God of Death are never cut and dry. If Hades just let her go, word would get out and he'd have mortals coming down for their loved ones over and over, so he put conditions on the release of Eurydice. Orpheus, having already endured so much to get there, to win Hades over, agreed to the terms set forth:
Orpheus was to return to the living world, using the same path as his arrival, and trust that Eurydice was following him. If he looked back to check that she was there before they crossed the threshold back to the land of the living, her soul would immediately return to the Underworld where he would never see her again.
The trek was long, but Orpheus traveled it, Eurydice trailing behind him unable to speak or touch him, to let him know she was there. Faith was all he had to keep him going, one foot in front of the other, unknowing if the woman he loved was indeed there behind him. The closer he got to the living world, the more thoughts of doubt entered his mind. What if she wasn't there? What if something had happened to her? What if it had been a trick of Hades to just get him out of the way? Was she really there?
These thoughts permeated his mind, torturing him as he kept walking, never leaving him alone. Ever-present, each step, until he at last saw the threshold before him. He was almost there, almost made it all the way back from the Underworld... but it would be all for naught, if Eurydice was not there. And that fear that everything he had endured was for nothing, that surely if Eurydice had been there she would've found a way to let him know... but he'd felt so alone the entire trek, so overcome with his emotions, that the moment he reached the threshold, he had to look back.
And there Eurydice was, right behind him, but still on the other side of the threshold, still lost in the darkness of the Underworld. They locked eyes for one last moment as Orpheus realized his mistake before Eurydice vanished, shunted back to join the rest of the dead. For the deal was that both of them had to cross from the darkness into the light.
Being down here, going through these caverns with everything in our heads, in search of a heart, makes me think about it.
You know, back home, on the Mithraeum, not long after my ascension, I basically watched Orpheus take that deal and break his neck so he physically could not turn his head to look back at Eurydice. And then he asked me to pluck his eyes out for him, just to be sure. Orpheus thought this was perfectly normal, logical behavior. Eurydice was offended and took it as Orpheus never ever wanted to look upon her again.
And I'm the only one that saw it for what it really was: love.
How do you think Eurydice felt, walking behind him?
He'd come to the Underworld for her, yes, but don't you think she wondered if he'd lost his nerve and decided to leave with or without her, if that was why he didn't care to make sure she was with him?
At least if he looked back, she'd die knowing that he loved her so much, he couldn't bear the possibility that she wouldn't be with him.
Love goes both ways, Solnyshka. At least it should. Orpheus loved her enough to endure everything to get her back. Shouldn't Eurydice be willing to do the same?
Look, both sides of what I saw was stupid as fuck. It's not how I would've done it, but I do understand the lengths that Orpheus went. But love is messy and makes little sense. It's supposed to be a gift, but often times it feels like a curse or swallowing a razorblade.
No... What is he? Ugh. Go away. Leave me al-- Hang on, Alina.
[five minutes later...]
Sorry bout that. Rather talk to you than fuck. What are you wearing?
Sweeney just got close enough to where I'm holed up away from everyone that he noticed and the fucking fetishization of my arm he has rolled into me like the worst club pickup line ever. I swear that man is the walking personification of sex drive and it's very overwhelming when it's shoved into my brain. I popped yesterday. I'm fine. I'll get laid when the group settles for sleep.
It's okay. It's not the same when it's just words anyway. Sorry I'm all this right now. It's hard. To try to be a person. I wish sex fixed things but all it does is take the edge off and flood me with feelings that aren't mine own. I'll try to get the piece in place again by the time I get back to town.
If all you need is to be held, then I'll hold you. And if, until then, all I can do is listen to your crazy, then I'll listen to it as long as you need.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: incest
Lyctorhood was family, I was told. We were to refer to our fellow lyctors as brother and sister, with God acting as a benevolent father. Even made us all sit down to dinner together. Watched him start to have a threesome with Augustine and Mercy, and it wasn't the first time. He didn't touch Harrow but he treated her special, like an actual daughter even though he was just a shitty of a father as my own. I was ignored by him, any time I asked him for help on something he just told me to figure it out on my own.
Then we get here and it's the same thing all over again. I'm the only lyctor here, and I don't even get invited for dinner or on the family camping trip or attuned to the wards.
I'm brilliant, I'm the greatest necromancer the Third has ever produced, I came at his invitation to become a lyctor, I've done things no one had done in ten thousand years, I gave up my home for him, I saved his fucking life over the man I actually liked who bothered to teach me things, and still it's not enough. I'm not enough.
I'm so tired of feeling Danny's obsession and Jem's need, their love, and all the family shit that I don't get to be a part of, like I'm the estranged daughter from another marriage that no one gives a shit about. And all I come back to is that I won't fuck him.
no subject
Be very careful.
Just like you can feel their feelings, they can feel yours.
If we discuss this now, they'll learn things about how you regard him that you don't want him finding out. And they'll tell him.
I think we should talk about it more when you're back.
no subject
You're right. Where was I in the story?
no subject
no subject
Orpheus didn't give up and played a song for Hades that was so beautiful that it stirred up long-forgotten feelings in Hades. Moved as he was, he agreed to release Eurydice from death. But deals with the God of Death are never cut and dry. If Hades just let her go, word would get out and he'd have mortals coming down for their loved ones over and over, so he put conditions on the release of Eurydice. Orpheus, having already endured so much to get there, to win Hades over, agreed to the terms set forth:
Orpheus was to return to the living world, using the same path as his arrival, and trust that Eurydice was following him. If he looked back to check that she was there before they crossed the threshold back to the land of the living, her soul would immediately return to the Underworld where he would never see her again.
The trek was long, but Orpheus traveled it, Eurydice trailing behind him unable to speak or touch him, to let him know she was there. Faith was all he had to keep him going, one foot in front of the other, unknowing if the woman he loved was indeed there behind him. The closer he got to the living world, the more thoughts of doubt entered his mind. What if she wasn't there? What if something had happened to her? What if it had been a trick of Hades to just get him out of the way? Was she really there?
These thoughts permeated his mind, torturing him as he kept walking, never leaving him alone. Ever-present, each step, until he at last saw the threshold before him. He was almost there, almost made it all the way back from the Underworld... but it would be all for naught, if Eurydice was not there. And that fear that everything he had endured was for nothing, that surely if Eurydice had been there she would've found a way to let him know... but he'd felt so alone the entire trek, so overcome with his emotions, that the moment he reached the threshold, he had to look back.
And there Eurydice was, right behind him, but still on the other side of the threshold, still lost in the darkness of the Underworld. They locked eyes for one last moment as Orpheus realized his mistake before Eurydice vanished, shunted back to join the rest of the dead. For the deal was that both of them had to cross from the darkness into the light.
no subject
It's very Ravkan.
cw: ref to self-harm, eye trauma
You know, back home, on the Mithraeum, not long after my ascension, I basically watched Orpheus take that deal and break his neck so he physically could not turn his head to look back at Eurydice. And then he asked me to pluck his eyes out for him, just to be sure. Orpheus thought this was perfectly normal, logical behavior. Eurydice was offended and took it as Orpheus never ever wanted to look upon her again.
And I'm the only one that saw it for what it really was: love.
no subject
How do you think Eurydice felt, walking behind him?
He'd come to the Underworld for her, yes, but don't you think she wondered if he'd lost his nerve and decided to leave with or without her, if that was why he didn't care to make sure she was with him?
At least if he looked back, she'd die knowing that he loved her so much, he couldn't bear the possibility that she wouldn't be with him.
cw: self-harm metaphor
Look, both sides of what I saw was stupid as fuck. It's not how I would've done it, but I do understand the lengths that Orpheus went. But love is messy and makes little sense. It's supposed to be a gift, but often times it feels like a curse or swallowing a razorblade.
No... What is he? Ugh. Go away. Leave me al-- Hang on, Alina.
[five minutes later...]
Sorry bout that. Rather talk to you than fuck.
What are you wearing?
no subject
no subject
Sweeney just got close enough to where I'm holed up away from everyone that he noticed and the fucking fetishization of my arm he has rolled into me like the worst club pickup line ever. I swear that man is the walking personification of sex drive and it's very overwhelming when it's shoved into my brain. I popped yesterday. I'm fine. I'll get laid when the group settles for sleep.
[She wasn't fine.]
no subject
no subject
no subject
I'm sorry.
I'm just not really in the mood right now.
But when you're back.
no subject
Sorry I'm all this right now. It's hard. To try to be a person. I wish sex fixed things but all it does is take the edge off and flood me with feelings that aren't mine own.
I'll try to get the piece in place again by the time I get back to town.
no subject
Or fix it on your own.
no subject
no subject
no subject
[And it made her uncomfortable, acutely aware that people were feeling the longing pang for Alina, her bleeding heart.]
I should go before this gets to be too much again and I get my crazy all over you.
no subject
And if, until then, all I can do is listen to your crazy, then I'll listen to it as long as you need.
no subject
I'll check in tomorrow. Whenever that is. I have no sense of time anymore.
no subject
no subject
[And Ianthe's out, searching for something to stab instead of fuck. Feed her hunger.]