He's sweet, too sweet sometimes It feels like everything's a game that he's been playing for ages, but you don't realize you've been playing until you're in the final rounds, and he's looking at you like you're supposed to have whatever piece he needs to win
He's careful about everything he says or asks or talks about Doesn't want to risk pieces ig
[ an admission of her own. she wants to pretend that she is some exception, that she has more of nikolai than quentin does, but she can't bring herself to lie to someone who has been just as wounded by deception as she has. ]
nikolai thinks that she has. nikolai thinks that he has offered all his wounds to her, opened himself and let her cut deep and often. she thinks of the times that she's staggered into hurting him.
she could revise her answer. admit that it looks the same to her, that she doesn't catch it until it's too late. would that hurt him? could it be used against him? she is responsible for that, now. every time he shows her his soft underbelly and lets her gouge it.
it's not that she thinks quentin is a risk to nikolai. it's that betraying him to anyone is still a betrayal. but this, she thinks, is the opposite of a betrayal, for how it cannot reveal anything of him, really. ]
Or I don't know how to spot it when I do. It looks the same to me. When he's at some angle and when he's really giving you something.
I guess it depends on what he's giving you. the guy can pull off some fancy footwork when he doesn't want to give sth up
[ After a long quiet, he offers a fact that he hopes will show her that he knows his place, outside of the two of them. That he hopes will show her he knows her place, enshrined in Nikolai's esteem. That he hopes doesn't make him look pathetic ha ha ha but here goes: ]
I didn't fully realize that he trusted me until he told me about you. the whole truth you're someone he would never give up for an angle
the only thing that makes me feel safe, the only time I feel like I can forget what hot garbage my life has been to date is when I know someone has my back. when I KNOW it.
You need to know it about him. He will always be at your back.
[ the worst part is that she does know. she knows, and it makes all the rest worse. it makes it worse that she is an albatross around his neck because she is not as clever or as composed. she is not strong enough to protect him. she is not good, like he is, and his loyalty would be better spent elsewhere, but she is the sun summoner that they got.
and she can cover up all her warts trying to make herself deserving of him, but she will still say all the wrong things. she will still mistrust him and those sharp edges of hers will still cut. because it's never been nikolai who is the problem here.
she is quiet for a long time. trying to wrestle with if and how to say any of this. to admit to the mess that is her own mind. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Look, all I'm saying is if you need anything in this very weird, very tense time, I'm around
Not just for Nikolai
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Thank you.
[ an even longer pause. ]
Is this weird?
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I'm used to weird tho
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In that case.
What's he like? With you.
You don't have to answer.
my heart
no I'll answer, whatever you want
but then you have to answer, too
deal?
help
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He's sweet, too sweet sometimes
It feels like everything's a game that he's been playing for ages, but you don't realize you've been playing until you're in the final rounds, and he's looking at you like you're supposed to have whatever piece he needs to win
He's careful about everything he says or asks or talks about
Doesn't want to risk pieces ig
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That's a very good way of putting it.
[ an admission of her own. she wants to pretend that she is some exception, that she has more of nikolai than quentin does, but she can't bring herself to lie to someone who has been just as wounded by deception as she has. ]
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[ at least, not this early in the month.
nikolai thinks that she has. nikolai thinks that he has offered all his wounds to her, opened himself and let her cut deep and often. she thinks of the times that she's staggered into hurting him.
she could revise her answer. admit that it looks the same to her, that she doesn't catch it until it's too late. would that hurt him? could it be used against him? she is responsible for that, now. every time he shows her his soft underbelly and lets her gouge it.
it's not that she thinks quentin is a risk to nikolai. it's that betraying him to anyone is still a betrayal. but this, she thinks, is the opposite of a betrayal, for how it cannot reveal anything of him, really. ]
Or
I don't know how to spot it when I do.
It looks the same to me. When he's at some angle and when he's really giving you something.
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[ After a long quiet, he offers a fact that he hopes will show her that he knows his place, outside of the two of them. That he hopes will show her he knows her place, enshrined in Nikolai's esteem. That he hopes doesn't make him look pathetic ha ha ha but here goes: ]
I didn't fully realize that he trusted me until he told me about you. the whole truth
you're someone he would never give up for an angle
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If I wanted to hurt him, how easy would that make it?
he doesn't say it, he shows it
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you're enough like me
the only thing that makes me feel safe, the only time I feel like I can forget what hot garbage my life has been to date is when I know someone has my back. when I KNOW it.
You need to know it about him. He will always be at your back.
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and she can cover up all her warts trying to make herself deserving of him, but she will still say all the wrong things. she will still mistrust him and those sharp edges of hers will still cut. because it's never been nikolai who is the problem here.
she is quiet for a long time. trying to wrestle with if and how to say any of this. to admit to the mess that is her own mind. ]
Was there anything else you wanted to ask?
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cw: jealousy/possessiveness that i should have put at hte top of this thread tbh
i knew what i was in for
but the PEANUT GALLERY tenny