the only thing that makes me feel safe, the only time I feel like I can forget what hot garbage my life has been to date is when I know someone has my back. when I KNOW it.
You need to know it about him. He will always be at your back.
[ the worst part is that she does know. she knows, and it makes all the rest worse. it makes it worse that she is an albatross around his neck because she is not as clever or as composed. she is not strong enough to protect him. she is not good, like he is, and his loyalty would be better spent elsewhere, but she is the sun summoner that they got.
and she can cover up all her warts trying to make herself deserving of him, but she will still say all the wrong things. she will still mistrust him and those sharp edges of hers will still cut. because it's never been nikolai who is the problem here.
she is quiet for a long time. trying to wrestle with if and how to say any of this. to admit to the mess that is her own mind. ]
yeah but do you want to be able to talk about him with me? would you rather we NEVER do? if you need sth from me that's not about him, are you comfortable coming to me? etc etc
I don't I feel like a child. I'm sorry. I just don't want to know the particulars about the two of you being together. Being intimate, I mean.
[ she will literally devour herself from the inside out with anxiety about if nikolai's needs are being met or being fulfilled elsewhere because alina can't give him something. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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If I wanted to hurt him, how easy would that make it?
he doesn't say it, he shows it
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you're enough like me
the only thing that makes me feel safe, the only time I feel like I can forget what hot garbage my life has been to date is when I know someone has my back. when I KNOW it.
You need to know it about him. He will always be at your back.
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and she can cover up all her warts trying to make herself deserving of him, but she will still say all the wrong things. she will still mistrust him and those sharp edges of hers will still cut. because it's never been nikolai who is the problem here.
she is quiet for a long time. trying to wrestle with if and how to say any of this. to admit to the mess that is her own mind. ]
Was there anything else you wanted to ask?
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I'm not stupid, Quentin. I know I can't have him to myself in a place like this.
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What answer do you want?
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okay, how about just
how uncomfortable is it for you to talk about him with me?
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[ an awkward, stale admission. she grapples with it a moment longer. ]
I don't like to think about it.
But when you told me about how he is with you, it was nice.
To have someone who understands.
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would it freak you out if I reached out again? if I came by the library? stuff like that?
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I'd like for us to be friends.
But can I make one request?
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cw: jealousy/possessiveness that i should have put at hte top of this thread tbh
I feel like a child.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want to know the particulars about the two of you being together.
Being intimate, I mean.
[ she will literally devour herself from the inside out with anxiety about if nikolai's needs are being met or being fulfilled elsewhere because alina can't give him something. ]
i knew what i was in for
omg
okay that's great bc I have zero interest in like ANYONE knowing the particulars lmfao
but the PEANUT GALLERY tenny
Excellent.
[ she can be glad that he has quentin and also wish that he didn't at the same time. she contains multitudes. ]