[ even as she says it, she's choosing to say this instead of "but what if i want you to tear MY clothes off?" ]
Everything feels like too much. Maybe you'll wake up one day and decide that it's not worth taking the reins when the horse is lame or sickly or something.
[Wait. Ianthe took a breath and settled the thoughts that tried to drag her away from something she's thought about but should've said before now.]
Alina, you're worth more than the things that happened to you. You're worth more than what other people see in you to exploit. Even if you didn't have the gift of the sun, I would still want you. And frankly I don't give a fuck what other people think of you. Even that voice in the back of your head that's already starting to argue can go fuck itself.
Ask me for anything. Ask me for everything. And when it comes to sex, if you want me and you can't think of any other way to tell me that, just whisper in my ear "Take me." Cause that's hot as fuck, and I will.
[ sure enough, she had drawn a breath in anticipation of argument. she has grown deft in deflecting such reassurances, even if some part of her flinches and flutters with the need to hear it.
but then the rest comes. and alina's expression crumbles, softens. for a moment, there's a headiness about her gaze, which drops from ianthe's eyes to her lips. like she might kiss her again. might devour her again. might start it all over once more.
alina blinks through it with a deep breath. they're talking. they're adults. if they can fuck, they can have a conversation. ]
That. [ there's a breathy quality about her voice still. ] I like that.
[ it's tangled up in the details, but hearing that she is wanted, that ianthe would eagerly take her, in the same breath that ianthe demonstrates that she does understand alina, that she sees alina's insecurities and self-pity and intrusive thoughts and wants her despite that? it's addictive, even. ]
[The surge in Alina's body that Ianthe could feel through the physical contact, that intense want, was enough to make her breath hitch and her own heart thud heavy in her chest. It was strong enough that if Alina had kissed her right then, the people around definitely would've gotten another show. Ianthe could only hold herself back so much and with that, she would've been conquered in an instant.
A slow, controlled breath out, and Ianthe wet her lips, her arm tightening a fraction about Alina. Maybe Ianthe finally figured it out, how to phrase things the right way. It couldn't be absolutes for Alina when it came to battling her self-loathing, her learned deprecation - no 'was' or 'are', but 'more than'. It seemed that maybe, just maybe, she could accept being a single step above instead of being placed on the pedestal so many had her on. Ianthe didn't have her on a pedestal but that was only because she preferred her women to roll in the much with her. Most of the time. This was something Ianthe could work with. She finally found a foothold that made her feel like it could be better. It would be better.]
I mean it, Sunshine. Anytime. I might have to excuse myself depending on timing, but I will be there. I might even be dramatic about it.
[She might even throw Alina over her shoulder and then transport them via liminal space to someplace secluded if she ever called for her while they were in a crowd. That would be hella dramatic. And fun. Ianthe smiled and leaned her forehead against Alina's.]
If you want dramatic, just wait until Resurrection Day. I was already planning to be dramatic. Cause I want you to feel special.
Ridiculous is okay. [She pressed a kiss to Alina's forehead and then leaned back against the wall again. She raised up her bone hand, the gold catching in the light as she articulated phalanges in what's become a nervous tick for her.]
I'm right handed. I'm not very good using my left hand, but I've tried using it because I know this isn't comfortable. [She wiggled the golden bones.] I can coat them in flesh... but I don't like doing that. I want to know if it's okay if I put them inside you again.
[She paused a moment, trying to find the right words.] I kind of feel like I pushed too far with them at the festival. I just want to see where you are with them.
[ there's a lot there. she sits up a little straighter, pulling her skirt down and disentangling just enough to sit comfortably, then leaning back against ianthe again. ]
You're right that it's not exactly comfortable. [ but that hadn't stopped her from grinding herself pathetically on nikolai's shin, which had been just as bony and uncomfortable when she'd done it. ] But it's part of you. So I wouldn't say I mind it. I don't ... You don't have to change yourself like that. Or in any other way.
[ she doesn't come outright and name ianthe's cock, but the little fluster to her expression seems to invite it into the space between them all the same. ]
Sometimes and on some parts of me, the feeling is ... exciting? That doesn't sound terrible, does it? [ she frowns. ] I didn't mind them inside of me at the festival. It's not my favorite, but —
It was just ... everything that was going on. With Aleksander, and the way you were talking, and I didn't really feel like you wanted me to say no and ruin it either. Which would have been alright except I didn't really feel like you wanted me to want them. Does that even make sense? Like ... I felt like I could have been anyone.
[Ianthe was glad Alina acknowledged that they were a part of her, which was why she didn't want to coat them in flesh. If someone wanted to be with her, they needed to want to be with HER. All of her. Bones included. She'd had such an argument with Coronabeth over her arm, having to justify why she didn't give it flesh and skin, and not having to do that with Alina was refreshing. Though, she did catch the reference to her cock. Well, that was another matter altogether.]
I think I understand. That night was a whole mess, thinking back on it. It was about you, about me wanting you, but I acknowledge that I handled it wrong. Had I known about Aleksander, I probably could've pulled myself out of my hyperfixation, because it was you, but at the very least, I would've done things differently.
[She reached up to lay the bone hand on Alina's cheek, thumb scraping lightly as she brushed it, just searching Alina's eyes for a moment. Then she quirked her lips.] I do like giving you my cock, though. It's great being inside you with it. I literally cannot describe the heaven you take me to when you cum all over it. I've had it for so long, it feels like a part of me, not just a theorem I put together to prove I could to my sister. [She raised an eyebrow.] Is the size good for you? I can make it bigger, thicker, smaller... A cock just for you.
Completely customizeable. It's the biggest perk of being with an animaphiliac. Especially one as good as me. Indulge a little, Sunshine. It's good for the soul.
[If she wanted to be a size queen or just try something out for the hell of it, Ianthe would do her best to provide.]
...except I can't make it ejaculate. It's a jizz-free zone.
I did actually want to ask you one thing, while we're talking about it. Why does it have that— [ she holds her thumb up to indicate, wraps the fingers of other hand around it. ] It's like some kind of covering.
[Ianthe's laughter died down to a chuckle. She tilted her head as she watched the hand gestures, trying to interpret them.]
Oh. That's just the foreskin. It's a normal part of the penis. Some cultures and religions cut it off a couple days after a boy is born. I'm not really sure why they do.
[Now it's Ianthe's turn for hand gestures down between them.]
Like, if you just stretch the skin down toward the base, it's basically the same thing as a cut cock. If you like it better that way, I can make mine that way. Personally, it makes no difference to me.
[ she settles back, looking out at the town and really putting thought towards it. it's such an open offer that alina feels like she ought to have something to offer for it, something that would make ianthe feel like alina had put consideration towards it, that made her feel like alina valued her power and what it offered. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(cw: light internalized ableism)
[ even as she says it, she's choosing to say this instead of "but what if i want you to tear MY clothes off?" ]
Everything feels like too much. Maybe you'll wake up one day and decide that it's not worth taking the reins when the horse is lame or sickly or something.
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[Wait. Ianthe took a breath and settled the thoughts that tried to drag her away from something she's thought about but should've said before now.]
Alina, you're worth more than the things that happened to you. You're worth more than what other people see in you to exploit. Even if you didn't have the gift of the sun, I would still want you. And frankly I don't give a fuck what other people think of you. Even that voice in the back of your head that's already starting to argue can go fuck itself.
Ask me for anything. Ask me for everything. And when it comes to sex, if you want me and you can't think of any other way to tell me that, just whisper in my ear "Take me." Cause that's hot as fuck, and I will.
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but then the rest comes. and alina's expression crumbles, softens. for a moment, there's a headiness about her gaze, which drops from ianthe's eyes to her lips. like she might kiss her again. might devour her again. might start it all over once more.
alina blinks through it with a deep breath. they're talking. they're adults. if they can fuck, they can have a conversation. ]
That. [ there's a breathy quality about her voice still. ] I like that.
[ it's tangled up in the details, but hearing that she is wanted, that ianthe would eagerly take her, in the same breath that ianthe demonstrates that she does understand alina, that she sees alina's insecurities and self-pity and intrusive thoughts and wants her despite that? it's addictive, even. ]
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A slow, controlled breath out, and Ianthe wet her lips, her arm tightening a fraction about Alina. Maybe Ianthe finally figured it out, how to phrase things the right way. It couldn't be absolutes for Alina when it came to battling her self-loathing, her learned deprecation - no 'was' or 'are', but 'more than'. It seemed that maybe, just maybe, she could accept being a single step above instead of being placed on the pedestal so many had her on. Ianthe didn't have her on a pedestal but that was only because she preferred her women to roll in the much with her. Most of the time. This was something Ianthe could work with. She finally found a foothold that made her feel like it could be better. It would be better.]
I mean it, Sunshine. Anytime. I might have to excuse myself depending on timing, but I will be there. I might even be dramatic about it.
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[ this smile is coyer, shyer. like this is not her libido talking, but something softer. admitting it feels foolish. ]
I like feeling like you think I'm worth the fuss. [ she falls back again on: ] Special.
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If you want dramatic, just wait until Resurrection Day. I was already planning to be dramatic. Cause I want you to feel special.
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[ but she laughs — a slightly awkward laugh, like she's trying to dismiss a lingering sentiment. ]
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Can we have an honest conversation about this?
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[ she looks at the hand, then back at ianthe's face. ]
cw: discussion of bone insertion, coercion
[She paused a moment, trying to find the right words.] I kind of feel like I pushed too far with them at the festival. I just want to see where you are with them.
(cw: oblique torture ref, light disability fetishizing, dubcon/coercion)
[ there's a lot there. she sits up a little straighter, pulling her skirt down and disentangling just enough to sit comfortably, then leaning back against ianthe again. ]
You're right that it's not exactly comfortable. [ but that hadn't stopped her from grinding herself pathetically on nikolai's shin, which had been just as bony and uncomfortable when she'd done it. ] But it's part of you. So I wouldn't say I mind it. I don't ... You don't have to change yourself like that. Or in any other way.
[ she doesn't come outright and name ianthe's cock, but the little fluster to her expression seems to invite it into the space between them all the same. ]
Sometimes and on some parts of me, the feeling is ... exciting? That doesn't sound terrible, does it? [ she frowns. ] I didn't mind them inside of me at the festival. It's not my favorite, but —
It was just ... everything that was going on. With Aleksander, and the way you were talking, and I didn't really feel like you wanted me to say no and ruin it either. Which would have been alright except I didn't really feel like you wanted me to want them. Does that even make sense? Like ... I felt like I could have been anyone.
no subject
I think I understand. That night was a whole mess, thinking back on it. It was about you, about me wanting you, but I acknowledge that I handled it wrong. Had I known about Aleksander, I probably could've pulled myself out of my hyperfixation, because it was you, but at the very least, I would've done things differently.
[She reached up to lay the bone hand on Alina's cheek, thumb scraping lightly as she brushed it, just searching Alina's eyes for a moment. Then she quirked her lips.] I do like giving you my cock, though. It's great being inside you with it. I literally cannot describe the heaven you take me to when you cum all over it. I've had it for so long, it feels like a part of me, not just a theorem I put together to prove I could to my sister. [She raised an eyebrow.] Is the size good for you? I can make it bigger, thicker, smaller... A cock just for you.
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[ she laughs. it feels absurd, but it also feels silly to think it absurd when it's been inside of her more than once now. ]
I've yet to be unsatisfied by it. I can take bigger, but ... [ she shrugs. ] Saints, are we really having this conversation?
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[If she wanted to be a size queen or just try something out for the hell of it, Ianthe would do her best to provide.]
...except I can't make it ejaculate. It's a jizz-free zone.
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Sorry, it's slang for cum. Jizz, spunk... there's a whole variety of words. Even 'man-butter'. Seriously, what guy calls his cum man-butter?
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[ she can barely fit this in between her aghast laughter. ]
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[Ianthe accepted no responsibility if the next time Nikolai came and man-butter pops into Alina's mind.]
Starting now.
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You're ridiculous.
[ but her laughter settles down. ]
I did actually want to ask you one thing, while we're talking about it. Why does it have that— [ she holds her thumb up to indicate, wraps the fingers of other hand around it. ] It's like some kind of covering.
cw: circumcision
Oh. That's just the foreskin. It's a normal part of the penis. Some cultures and religions cut it off a couple days after a boy is born. I'm not really sure why they do.
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[ weird. ]
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Like, if you just stretch the skin down toward the base, it's basically the same thing as a cut cock. If you like it better that way, I can make mine that way. Personally, it makes no difference to me.
Flesh is flesh.
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Any other questions about my cock or anything else I can do? If you can imagine it, I can probably do it. Or figure out how.
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Could you— [ she stops. ] No. Never mind.
(no subject)
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cw: DP
still cw
still cw
(cw: dubcon refs, threesome talk)
cw: threesome talk, death threat
(no subject)
(no subject)
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Feels like a good end