[ she thinks about it. pictures it. warmth twitches in her gut, spilling over, and —
reggie's face. the look of hurt, fear. she chokes on her next breath, desperate to scramble away from the inside of her own mind, and too aware that she has nowhere to go. the room tips. stretches, then shrinks. ]
no find someone else.
[ but that, too, hurts. she wants to take it back right away. she doesn't want him to find anyone else. she doesn't want to be left alone because she's not enough. she cups her hands to her mouth, hyperventilates into her palms. ]
[ she should move. she should get up and do something, go somewhere, do anything but stay in her own head. but she feels like a weight that can't budge and her hands won't stop shaking.
comebackcomebackcomeback. but she can't say that. it's the darkling. she doesn't really want him back, does she? but she doesn't want to be alone either. he's been good to her. he's — no. she can't beg for him to stay. she can't take back what she'd said. find someone else.
paralyzed by indecision and fear, her tears soak the pillow. even when she finally manages to pick the phone back up, she can't figure out what to say. she wants him to say something, anything, to make her feel like she hasn't ruined something. but all the complexities of the mess they've made of one another sit between them, and she can't bring herself to beg for scraps from him. he would only be more disgusted with her than he already is.
ah. there. ]
i've been thinking. i shouldn't keep staying here. i should get another place.
[ he's been the cause of her suffering too often to truly hate watching that. but his prompt willingness to defer, to let her go, tells her that she's right and he doesn't want to have to see it.
it's only then that she realizes she'd hoped he'd correct her. and just like that, she feels worse than before. ]
You're destroying yourself over something you couldn't help. And I am greedy enough to keep you with me given the chance. So, no. I don't like to see you weak. I like it less so when I know I am contributing to it.
[ but he has the chance, and he isn't keeping her with him. he doesn't ask her to stay. because she's not the person he wants. that person might not even exist anymore, she realizes.
[ that's the person he wants. the strong one. the saint. the sun summoner. she feels so far away. alina has been hiding from sankta alina since she got here. ]
i'll be gone as soon as i find a place. then you won't have to see it anymore.
like you don't want me when i'm useless to you when i'm weak
[ had he not been so determined when they'd first arrived, when she'd lost her powers, to insist that her powers were not the sum total of his interest in her, she would not have been so surprised. ]
people keep saying that i think you're just hoping i'll wake up one day and it'll be over it won't you don't want me like this and i can't be the person you wanted anymore
[ she's talked herself in circles. she feels like she's spilling over. ]
forget it forget all of it it's fine like i said i'll find a place and go
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Right when I'm near the edge.
You'll wrap those lovely fingers around my throat and squeeze.
( don't tell him you haven't thought about it alina? )
(cw: ptsd, character death, intimate partner violence mentions)
reggie's face. the look of hurt, fear. she chokes on her next breath, desperate to scramble away from the inside of her own mind, and too aware that she has nowhere to go. the room tips. stretches, then shrinks. ]
no
find someone else.
[ but that, too, hurts. she wants to take it back right away. she doesn't want him to find anyone else. she doesn't want to be left alone because she's not enough. she cups her hands to her mouth, hyperventilates into her palms. ]
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comebackcomebackcomeback. but she can't say that. it's the darkling. she doesn't really want him back, does she? but she doesn't want to be alone either. he's been good to her. he's — no. she can't beg for him to stay. she can't take back what she'd said. find someone else.
paralyzed by indecision and fear, her tears soak the pillow. even when she finally manages to pick the phone back up, she can't figure out what to say. she wants him to say something, anything, to make her feel like she hasn't ruined something. but all the complexities of the mess they've made of one another sit between them, and she can't bring herself to beg for scraps from him. he would only be more disgusted with her than he already is.
ah. there. ]
i've been thinking.
i shouldn't keep staying here.
i should get another place.
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you don't like seeing me weak.
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But if you feel this is what you need.
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[ he's been the cause of her suffering too often to truly hate watching that. but his prompt willingness to defer, to let her go, tells her that she's right and he doesn't want to have to see it.
it's only then that she realizes she'd hoped he'd correct her. and just like that, she feels worse than before. ]
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And I am greedy enough to keep you with me given the chance.
So, no.
I don't like to see you weak.
I like it less so when I know I am contributing to it.
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but something else sticks out. ]
how are you contributing to it?
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You were made for the light, Alina.
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i'll be gone as soon as i find a place.
then you won't have to see it anymore.
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Wait.
( a significant pause. )
This isn't about my not wanting you here.
It's that I'll keep you here with me, forever, given the chance.
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i don't enjoy any of this
but i need you
isn't that what you've always wanted?
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To care more.
Is that not what I'm doing, here? Caring.
Then stay.
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not looking at me like
forget it
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Tell me please.
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when i'm weak
[ had he not been so determined when they'd first arrived, when she'd lost her powers, to insist that her powers were not the sum total of his interest in her, she would not have been so surprised. ]
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You're grieving.
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i think you're just hoping i'll wake up one day and it'll be over
it won't
you don't want me like this and i can't be the person you wanted anymore
[ she's talked herself in circles. she feels like she's spilling over. ]
forget it
forget all of it
it's fine
like i said i'll find a place and go
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You're suffering and I don't know how to fix it.
To be what you need.
Fine.
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