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[sunmon]

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alina starkov, 20

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[sunmon]

Only if you want to talk about it.

[princess_of_ida]

I don't know. I feel weird about it. Not weird about talking to you about it, just in general. Monster's also being a bitch right now.

I think I maybe compartmentalized it too much after it happened.

[sunmon]

Decompartmentalize, then.
Start wherever you need to.

cw: non-con/death discussion ongoing

[princess_of_ida]

I died. Exsanguination - drained me completely dry. He said it was an accident, that he lost control.

I'm--

I'm not okay with this. I knew I died, thought I was okay with it, cause it's just death, right? What's another one to someone like me? But no, I'm actually not.

[sunmon]

This one's different.
Because you didn't see it coming?

[princess_of_ida]

Maybe? I've been shot on the battlefield before - can't feel a bullet coming with necromancy - and that didn't bother me like this.

It's more that I wasn't there for it? There's no memory of dying. Like I wasn't a part of it; it's just something that happened to me. No control over anything. My cav didn't even kick in to protect me.

[sunmon]

Because you never even had a chance.

[princess_of_ida]

I don't like this feeling.

[sunmon]

I don't think anyone does.
But it's especially hard when you're not used to being powerless.

[princess_of_ida]

This is why any necromancer of significant talent wards the fuck out of their home. The easiest way to take out an adept is when they're asleep.

I need to redo them.

[No, she doesn't. That's just paranoia talking.]

[sunmon]

Didn't you just refresh them?

[princess_of_ida]

Yeah, but...
But

I don't know what to do with this feeling. What am I supposed to do?

[sunmon]

I wish I had an answer.
I tried killing the person who made me feel this way.
That didn't help, in case you were considering it.

[princess_of_ida]

I'm not. I believe it was an accident. But I do want to hurt someone.

[A growl resonated on those words over the connection.]

[sunmon]

Well, there are probably enough masochists around here that you don't need to look far to find a volunteer. And they wouldn't want you bottling up the urge either.

[princess_of_ida]

Problem is I don't trust myself right now to stop. I'm not toothy yet. I can wait another day. Probably.

[sunmon]

Bring someone who can stop you, then.

[ she won't presume that's her. in fact, she doubts it is. ]

[princess_of_ida]

I'm not bothering John. He doesn't need to know. Fuck, I miss Kiriona. She could always wrangle me when I was like this. I could try Dez, make it a fight.

Sorry, Sunshine. Shouldn't be bothering you with this shit. Check on me tomorrow?

[sunmon]

John told me he's struggling with his monster too. Maybe you two could help each other.

[princess_of_ida]

Maybe. I'll think about it. I'll at least call him. If I haven't dealt with this by tomorrow, you have permission to yell at me.

Oh, hey, if we ever have to deal with this sleeping nightmare shit again, our anything like it, you're allowed to wake me however necessary. I don't want be vulnerable like that again.

[sunmon]

I would have.
I will.
I swear.
And you don't have to apologize for talking to me about these things. I'm your friend. If you can't talk to me about this, what's the point?

[princess_of_ida]

I know but I didn't mean to- No, that's not right.
I can still be sorry that I caused you think about that feeling.
Thank you.

If it happens again, is it okay if I help you?

[sunmon]

I don't really want to think about it happening again, if I'm honest.

[princess_of_ida]

[That would be a no then. She should've known better than to ask.]

Alright. I hope it doesn't.

[sunmon]

Thank you.
For looking out for me.
I wish I'd been able to do the same for you.