( this must be the most inconvenient way of communicating ever invented. it's certainly the least intuitive.
however, as much as he'd like to blame his reluctance to reach out to alina on this fact, the truth is he's hesitated mostly because he could never figure out where to start. their last encounter hadn't gone well, and with genya in the mix...well. )
I owe you an apology. Actually, I owe you several apologies, but let's begin with how I acted the last time we met and go from there, shall we?
( an awkward pause, then: )
I can't imagine how it must have felt for you, especially considering all that you've already endured, to be treated in such a manner.
[ she jumps like someone has fired an arrow into her. but, no, it's just aleksander's voice. in her head as if he were right in front of her, speaking. she presses a hand to her chest, apologizes to the bookbinder, and steps into the backroom of the shop.
she speaks aloud because she doesn't trust herself not to cross her wires if she trusts the voice inside of her head. a stray thought could make its way in. that could be dangerous—deadly. ]
You don't always have control over them, do you? Your shadows. [ that's all she can imagine he'd specifically be apologizing for. the way he'd allowed them to roil and furl towards her. ] I don't know why I thought it'd be different for you than it is for me. Age, I suppose.
( a hint of embarrassment shading the word; she really has no idea. )
No, I don't. But that's not what I meant. I meant Marie and what happened to her. It wasn't the right time or place to bring it up. I should have known better.
she'd tried not to think about that. just like she tries not to think about genya's scars and the guilt she feels for those. all the ways in which her choices had gotten other people hurt. ]
I'm not a child. [ in a voice that sounds very much like a child, defensive and petulant. she can't help it. he's telling her how much he regrets not hiding more from her when she has only just begun to unravel all of the things he'd hidden. how foolish he must think she is. how right he had been, before. ] I can handle the truth.
[ never mind that he's utterly correct. that the fear of running alone through tsibeya had morphed into the ghastly overwhelm of reuniting with mal and discovering what she believed to be the extent of aleksander's manipulation, only to then run through more woods from more monsters and learn from genya that baghra and mal had not even amounted to half of the darkling's crimes.
it had been a hell of a day. a hell of a day, and no one to lean on for that pain. it's hard not to feel a little tempted by aleksander's implicit offer to be that person, that crutch. which is precisely why she has to rebuff him. ]
( the response is oddly reassuring, like a child trying to be brave. he suppresses the smile in his voice, knowing that the warmth might be read as condescension and only make things worse. )
You aren't. But considering the ordeal already endured, allowing you the space to catch your breath and process would have only been fair. A warm meal and perhaps a large brandy certainly wouldn't have hurt matters; after the forest, I daresay we all could have used something to steady our nerves.
[ two competing thoughts occur simultaneously: first, that the last thing she wants in the world is to give herself over to the influence of alcohol in his company. second, that he is just as she'd left him. that it is too easy to see in him aleksander, the figment of her imagination, the mask that he'd worn to fool her, and not the black heretic.
she yearns and recoils all at once. ]
It felt like being on the Fold. [ being in the wood, that is. ] Monsters and all. [ she folds her arms in front of her and leans up against the door to the backroom, hesitating. ] I'm doing better, now. You don't have to check in on me.
[ she prods at that. it's a little dramatic, she thinks. or maybe that's just projection: like now that she can see the stage and the actors, all she can think about is how thick their makeup is. ]
I needed to know. [ a little too honestly, she adds, ] I'd rather you didn't hide things from me.
( in his bedroom, he rubs at the bridge of his nose, gathering the nerve to make an embarrassingly honest admission, adding to a series of already less-than-brilliant ones. )
It wasn't my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't wear. It's just that the idea of you being seen like that, along with everything else.
( he lets the sentence hang there for a moment, then: ) I was a possessive ass. ( and the mortification is definitely there, and it is showing. ) I apologize.
[ for a long moment, she says nothing. it's so irreconcilable. she thinks again of his smile, of the shyness of his delight when she had first kissed him. of his open vulnerability when she had taken his hand and chased away the shadows.
it should be impossible that this man is the same one who had created the fold. who had hurt genya. but that's the thing, isn't it? it's too perfect. she can see the seams. mal would never apologize like this. ]
This is really painful for you, isn't it? [ there's a dry sense of amusement in her voice when she finally asks it. that, too, is real. if he's going to work up this performance of an apology, she can at least make him stew in it. ]
Believe it or not, that has nothing to do with you being a possessive ass. [ well. almost nothing. ] I suppose I should thank her for suggesting you apologize.
[ he'd dodged the first effort to needle him and find out if genya was indeed going behind her back to tell him things. alina doesn't want to believe it—but apparently, it wouldn't be the first time.
she wants to believe the scars are all the difference. she wants to believe that there exists a universe in which it didn't take scars for genya to stop being loyal to him. but wanting to believe and believing are two very different animals. ]
( genya is about the only person that would dare, frankly. )
She wanted me to assure you of your safety, and I'm thankful to her for that. ( all true, even if it brushes aside the very adorable attempt she made to threaten him. )
Even though it meant making alternative sleeping arrangements.
[ well, now she feels terrible for questioning for even a moment that genya would turn around and bring anything alina said back to aleksander. after what they'd confided in one another!
she tries to remember that her mistrust is aleksander's fault and not her own. tries and fails. ]
You don't have anything to worry about, you know. There's no one else that I ... [ she thinks of mal, again. wonders if he'd understand what she had done and said, here, to stay alive, to keep aleksander from wondering what was wrong. she threads the needle of a half truth. ] After I got away, back in Ravka, I kept thinking to myself ... Aleksander will find me. [ a beat. ] You can trust me.
the saddest part is that it is, in fact, quite reassuring ㅡ even knowing that she and the tracker find one another, that she's not telling the full truth, a part of him dearly wants to believe that it's true. )
I would have. But you saved yourself in the end, brave girl. And I am grateful for that too.
Did I? [ it doesn't feel that way. what she would have hoped would be the truest compliment he could pay her, that she is strong and capable and something for him to fear, rings hollow. ] Feels more like I just got kidnapped again.
[ she sighs. ]
And the timing couldn't be worse. Genya told me what happened to her. The volcra, the Fold. They're getting stronger. [ she will have to tell genya about this lie, later. she will have to find a way for the two of them to keep it all straight. but this feels right, in the moment. ]
Ugh, that sounds so self-pitying, doesn't it? I didn't mean to start in on all of this. I just wanted you to know that ... you don't have to worry about how much of me someone else sees. [ she scoffs. ] That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter.
[ she's not touching the fold thing, now. eager to move past it, a dark topic for another time. anyway, there is something she desperately needs to understand about him, about how he's approaching all of this. ]
Now ... When you said alternative accommodations ... It makes it sound like you'd had something else in mind.
[ her heart is racing, and for all the wrong reasons. she had told genya what had happened between them, at the fete. she'd told genya that aleksander wouldn't like them staying together. but this means confirming her worst fears: that he will never let her out of his sight again. ]
To keep Ravka from having its sun summoner snatched away again?
[ an outright lie, admittedly, but that's what they do to each other, isn't it? lie. that's what he's done all along. and now he's acting like he would acknowledge it, if he had.
it gives her a lot to think about. she sinks back against the door of the back room, folds her arms around her knees. what would she have done, if she hadn't known? she wants to grasp for the excuse that genya provides — it wouldn't be right to leave her on her own, now, when she's just been through so much, but ...
she'd known genya was going through something at the little palace, too. she'd known. and she'd chosen not to see it because she'd been so giddy at the prospect of aleksander's attention. she'd thrived under it. she'd put everything else aside for it. she'd have seized the opportunity and luxuriated in it. ]
I wish you'd asked. But it doesn't feel right, leaving Genya alone.
Do you think I kiss every Grisha girl that's kind to me? It'd cause quite the scandal.
( oh, he'd never been completely celibate; he was a man, one with all the usual needs. but age had made him cautious, especially when serving kings as spiteful as the current one.
it was all too easy to lose everything due to a capricious whim. )
No, and I would not ask you to. Her need is far greater at the moment.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@voice
however, as much as he'd like to blame his reluctance to reach out to alina on this fact, the truth is he's hesitated mostly because he could never figure out where to start. their last encounter hadn't gone well, and with genya in the mix...well. )
I owe you an apology. Actually, I owe you several apologies, but let's begin with how I acted the last time we met and go from there, shall we?
( an awkward pause, then: )
I can't imagine how it must have felt for you, especially considering all that you've already endured, to be treated in such a manner.
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she speaks aloud because she doesn't trust herself not to cross her wires if she trusts the voice inside of her head. a stray thought could make its way in. that could be dangerous—deadly. ]
You don't always have control over them, do you? Your shadows. [ that's all she can imagine he'd specifically be apologizing for. the way he'd allowed them to roil and furl towards her. ] I don't know why I thought it'd be different for you than it is for me. Age, I suppose.
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( a hint of embarrassment shading the word; she really has no idea. )
No, I don't. But that's not what I meant. I meant Marie and what happened to her. It wasn't the right time or place to bring it up. I should have known better.
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she'd tried not to think about that. just like she tries not to think about genya's scars and the guilt she feels for those. all the ways in which her choices had gotten other people hurt. ]
I'm not a child. [ in a voice that sounds very much like a child, defensive and petulant. she can't help it. he's telling her how much he regrets not hiding more from her when she has only just begun to unravel all of the things he'd hidden. how foolish he must think she is. how right he had been, before. ] I can handle the truth.
[ never mind that he's utterly correct. that the fear of running alone through tsibeya had morphed into the ghastly overwhelm of reuniting with mal and discovering what she believed to be the extent of aleksander's manipulation, only to then run through more woods from more monsters and learn from genya that baghra and mal had not even amounted to half of the darkling's crimes.
it had been a hell of a day. a hell of a day, and no one to lean on for that pain. it's hard not to feel a little tempted by aleksander's implicit offer to be that person, that crutch. which is precisely why she has to rebuff him. ]
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You aren't. But considering the ordeal already endured, allowing you the space to catch your breath and process would have only been fair. A warm meal and perhaps a large brandy certainly wouldn't have hurt matters; after the forest, I daresay we all could have used something to steady our nerves.
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she yearns and recoils all at once. ]
It felt like being on the Fold. [ being in the wood, that is. ] Monsters and all. [ she folds her arms in front of her and leans up against the door to the backroom, hesitating. ] I'm doing better, now. You don't have to check in on me.
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( his voice softens. )
Checking in on you is never a burden, Alina. Honestly, I would have done it sooner, but I must admit that I've felt ashamed of my behaviour.
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[ she prods at that. it's a little dramatic, she thinks. or maybe that's just projection: like now that she can see the stage and the actors, all she can think about is how thick their makeup is. ]
I needed to know. [ a little too honestly, she adds, ] I'd rather you didn't hide things from me.
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( in his bedroom, he rubs at the bridge of his nose, gathering the nerve to make an embarrassingly honest admission, adding to a series of already less-than-brilliant ones. )
It wasn't my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't wear. It's just that the idea of you being seen like that, along with everything else.
( he lets the sentence hang there for a moment, then: ) I was a possessive ass. ( and the mortification is definitely there, and it is showing. ) I apologize.
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it should be impossible that this man is the same one who had created the fold. who had hurt genya. but that's the thing, isn't it? it's too perfect. she can see the seams. mal would never apologize like this. ]
This is really painful for you, isn't it? [ there's a dry sense of amusement in her voice when she finally asks it. that, too, is real. if he's going to work up this performance of an apology, she can at least make him stew in it. ]
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( earnest, if slightly hyperbolic, and more than a little wry. )
Still, let it not be said that I don't know when to humble myself.
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genya. ]
I'm sure it helps to have a nudge in the right direction. [ she hates herself for even asking it, but, ] You talked to Genya, didn't you?
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( which he absolutely loves, naturally. )
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[ he'd dodged the first effort to needle him and find out if genya was indeed going behind her back to tell him things. alina doesn't want to believe it—but apparently, it wouldn't be the first time.
she wants to believe the scars are all the difference. she wants to believe that there exists a universe in which it didn't take scars for genya to stop being loyal to him. but wanting to believe and believing are two very different animals. ]
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( genya is about the only person that would dare, frankly. )
She wanted me to assure you of your safety, and I'm thankful to her for that. ( all true, even if it brushes aside the very adorable attempt she made to threaten him. )
Even though it meant making alternative sleeping arrangements.
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[ well, now she feels terrible for questioning for even a moment that genya would turn around and bring anything alina said back to aleksander. after what they'd confided in one another!
she tries to remember that her mistrust is aleksander's fault and not her own. tries and fails. ]
You don't have anything to worry about, you know. There's no one else that I ... [ she thinks of mal, again. wonders if he'd understand what she had done and said, here, to stay alive, to keep aleksander from wondering what was wrong. she threads the needle of a half truth. ] After I got away, back in Ravka, I kept thinking to myself ... Aleksander will find me. [ a beat. ] You can trust me.
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the saddest part is that it is, in fact, quite reassuring ㅡ even knowing that she and the tracker find one another, that she's not telling the full truth, a part of him dearly wants to believe that it's true. )
I would have. But you saved yourself in the end, brave girl. And I am grateful for that too.
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[ she sighs. ]
And the timing couldn't be worse. Genya told me what happened to her. The volcra, the Fold. They're getting stronger. [ she will have to tell genya about this lie, later. she will have to find a way for the two of them to keep it all straight. but this feels right, in the moment. ]
Ugh, that sounds so self-pitying, doesn't it? I didn't mean to start in on all of this. I just wanted you to know that ... you don't have to worry about how much of me someone else sees. [ she scoffs. ] That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter.
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( he repeats, the lilt of a question that he doesn't have the words ㅡ the stomach ㅡ to ask. swallows it down, buries it.
he will examine those feelings later.
a huff of a laugh. small, but genuine. )
I will resist the urge as best I can. ( but makes no promises beyond that. )
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[ she's not touching the fold thing, now. eager to move past it, a dark topic for another time. anyway, there is something she desperately needs to understand about him, about how he's approaching all of this. ]
Now ... When you said alternative accommodations ... It makes it sound like you'd had something else in mind.
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( presumptuous, yes, but is she really surprised? )
Still, I'll likely be moving out of the boardinghouse soon. Perhaps it's for the best, you and Genya rooming together.
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[ her heart is racing, and for all the wrong reasons. she had told genya what had happened between them, at the fete. she'd told genya that aleksander wouldn't like them staying together. but this means confirming her worst fears: that he will never let her out of his sight again. ]
To keep Ravka from having its sun summoner snatched away again?
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( then, quickly: ) Is selfish.
Although, I would be lying if I said I was entirely without concerns. These are rather exceptional circumstances.
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[ an outright lie, admittedly, but that's what they do to each other, isn't it? lie. that's what he's done all along. and now he's acting like he would acknowledge it, if he had.
it gives her a lot to think about. she sinks back against the door of the back room, folds her arms around her knees. what would she have done, if she hadn't known? she wants to grasp for the excuse that genya provides — it wouldn't be right to leave her on her own, now, when she's just been through so much, but ...
she'd known genya was going through something at the little palace, too. she'd known. and she'd chosen not to see it because she'd been so giddy at the prospect of aleksander's attention. she'd thrived under it. she'd put everything else aside for it. she'd have seized the opportunity and luxuriated in it. ]
I wish you'd asked. But it doesn't feel right, leaving Genya alone.
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( oh, he'd never been completely celibate; he was a man, one with all the usual needs. but age had made him cautious, especially when serving kings as spiteful as the current one.
it was all too easy to lose everything due to a capricious whim. )
No, and I would not ask you to. Her need is far greater at the moment.
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