Anduin and I... we could have any manner of a grand house. He is a Dominant with a grand position here, working as the head of the Hospital. It would be befitting both our stations at home if we did.
We bought a cottage with enough space for my hound and we do our best to keep from any kind of public life except when it's needed for the sake of others.
i like the fine things. the palace. i even liked the public housing in the up for the same reason. it's the people and the responsibility i could lose. the way no one sees me i feel like there's less and less me every day, just a shape that people keep filling up with what they want from me
[ If she shuts her eyes and thinks of pain and strength, it is ever that clear sharp face of her mother, who stares back at her. A hand on her shoulder, turning her to face the world that had no forgiveness in it, with lips that never smiled and eyes crinkled from crows. The words as she sat Gilia down the week before her coronation that she dredges up where she had hoped since coming here she would be free from. ]
First she told me, that the only being that knew me, from beginning to one day, my end, will be death. Death is mother, death is father, death is brother and sister, death is first lover, and last friend to all the world. No one shall be higher than death. Death is the only thing in all the world that will not lie to you. For it either is or is not.
Second she told me, that death is a cousin to power. But power is a liar. Power seems strong, but it is weak lamb with soft bones and a mouthful of teeth. It is hungry like a newborn babe. It screams and screams for more. You can try and sate it with little morsels of lesser food, but it will only ask for your flesh. But it cannot force you to do anything. Instead, it will trick you with such fearful screams, so you feed yourself to it of your own free will. Be wary of power, and of those who would have you feed it. Remember that it is weak, and a liar and all its promises are from the ugly hungry mouth.
Lastly - ah... do you know the story of the sailors arguing on the shore?
[ but she's already beginning to wonder if it will be metaphorical as the rest β which alina can barely follow. she hadn't been schooled in literature. she'd been schooled at ana kuya's knee in mapmaking and drawing in a way that made her practical and not much else.
but she thinks she understands. even power itself cannot force her into anything. but it doesn't feel that way, to her. it feels like a force she can't resist. then again, she supposes that gilia's metaphor accounted for that too.
what would it have been like, to have a mother to say these things? alina shies away from the thought. it's wrapped in the thorns of grief. she can't bring herself to touch it. ]
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maybe i'm tired because no matter how much i fight it here i never do it right
it just gets worse
i just get worse
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Here. Are you free this evening?
[ Because you need a hug. the whole world can tell you need a good proper hug. ]
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you're busy.
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okay give me a bit
what do you mean by of late?
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I would be lying to say it has not taken its toll on me.
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i hate this place
i hate that i ever thought it was any better than ravka.
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But my mother would say that the floor is still the floor, and we all walk upon it.
My mother makes grown men cry by remembering that better than they do.
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your mother.
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I suppose... I suppose when we quarreled that is what I was truly.... truly so upset about.
She is the one I have never been good enough for.
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AND back home, actually.
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I think it is that ruling, power more exactly, it changes what we are expected to do, be, and in turn, what we think of ourselves.
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[ succinct. ]
i'd hoped being here would free me from it.
that sounds stupid.
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Anduin and I... we could have any manner of a grand house. He is a Dominant with a grand position here, working as the head of the Hospital. It would be befitting both our stations at home if we did.
We bought a cottage with enough space for my hound and we do our best to keep from any kind of public life except when it's needed for the sake of others.
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i even liked the public housing in the up for the same reason.
it's the people and the responsibility i could lose.
the way no one sees me
i feel like there's less and less me every day, just a shape that people keep filling up with what they want from me
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my parents died when i was young.
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It is no insult to me, either, if you do not.
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First she told me, that the only being that knew me, from beginning to one day, my end, will be death. Death is mother, death is father, death is brother and sister, death is first lover, and last friend to all the world. No one shall be higher than death. Death is the only thing in all the world that will not lie to you. For it either is or is not.
Second she told me, that death is a cousin to power. But power is a liar. Power seems strong, but it is weak lamb with soft bones and a mouthful of teeth. It is hungry like a newborn babe. It screams and screams for more. You can try and sate it with little morsels of lesser food, but it will only ask for your flesh. But it cannot force you to do anything. Instead, it will trick you with such fearful screams, so you feed yourself to it of your own free will. Be wary of power, and of those who would have you feed it. Remember that it is weak, and a liar and all its promises are from the ugly hungry mouth.
Lastly - ah... do you know the story of the sailors arguing on the shore?
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[ but she's already beginning to wonder if it will be metaphorical as the rest β which alina can barely follow. she hadn't been schooled in literature. she'd been schooled at ana kuya's knee in mapmaking and drawing in a way that made her practical and not much else.
but she thinks she understands. even power itself cannot force her into anything. but it doesn't feel that way, to her. it feels like a force she can't resist. then again, she supposes that gilia's metaphor accounted for that too.
what would it have been like, to have a mother to say these things? alina shies away from the thought. it's wrapped in the thorns of grief. she can't bring herself to touch it. ]
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