Anduin and I... we could have any manner of a grand house. He is a Dominant with a grand position here, working as the head of the Hospital. It would be befitting both our stations at home if we did.
We bought a cottage with enough space for my hound and we do our best to keep from any kind of public life except when it's needed for the sake of others.
i like the fine things. the palace. i even liked the public housing in the up for the same reason. it's the people and the responsibility i could lose. the way no one sees me i feel like there's less and less me every day, just a shape that people keep filling up with what they want from me
[ If she shuts her eyes and thinks of pain and strength, it is ever that clear sharp face of her mother, who stares back at her. A hand on her shoulder, turning her to face the world that had no forgiveness in it, with lips that never smiled and eyes crinkled from crows. The words as she sat Gilia down the week before her coronation that she dredges up where she had hoped since coming here she would be free from. ]
First she told me, that the only being that knew me, from beginning to one day, my end, will be death. Death is mother, death is father, death is brother and sister, death is first lover, and last friend to all the world. No one shall be higher than death. Death is the only thing in all the world that will not lie to you. For it either is or is not.
Second she told me, that death is a cousin to power. But power is a liar. Power seems strong, but it is weak lamb with soft bones and a mouthful of teeth. It is hungry like a newborn babe. It screams and screams for more. You can try and sate it with little morsels of lesser food, but it will only ask for your flesh. But it cannot force you to do anything. Instead, it will trick you with such fearful screams, so you feed yourself to it of your own free will. Be wary of power, and of those who would have you feed it. Remember that it is weak, and a liar and all its promises are from the ugly hungry mouth.
Lastly - ah... do you know the story of the sailors arguing on the shore?
[ but she's already beginning to wonder if it will be metaphorical as the rest β which alina can barely follow. she hadn't been schooled in literature. she'd been schooled at ana kuya's knee in mapmaking and drawing in a way that made her practical and not much else.
but she thinks she understands. even power itself cannot force her into anything. but it doesn't feel that way, to her. it feels like a force she can't resist. then again, she supposes that gilia's metaphor accounted for that too.
what would it have been like, to have a mother to say these things? alina shies away from the thought. it's wrapped in the thorns of grief. she can't bring herself to touch it. ]
Two sailors were standing on the deck of their ship.
The first looked down into the water and said, "The water is blue, see on the horizon, it is almost exactly the same."
The second looked down and disagreed, "See how the light hits it? The water is white!"
Hearing their voices and debate, a fish rose to the surface, shaking his head at them both he said: "But down below, the water is green."
Then a cloud was passing, and said: "No, no, I see all the ocean, it is grey."
Eventually, the sun began to set and said: "The water is whatever color I wish." And turned all the sea purple and pink, yellow and orange.
They all debated so long, so deeply, that finally the Sea-Father could stand no more of it, and sent a whale, the greatest of all its creatures to the surface: "Fools! Look again! The water never had any color at all!"
And he rose and fell in the water with a great splash so that everyone could see the water splashing and see at last, the whale was right. The water never had any color at all, and they just thought it had. A hundred eyes from every height, and yet none of them ever had the right of it, just because they looked and did not think.
You are the water. Everyone will look. Everyone will guess. They will make assumptions and think they control you.
They do not. They look, but they see nothing. What you are, was always yours alone.
Remembering that when the whole world looks upon me and thinks they know anything about me at all, is all that has kept me sane, some days. They will say awful things about me, too.
I wish I knew, I do not know very much myself. I sit often and try to think of the person I wish to be, what I wish to give to the world and what that shall mean to me.
But the most important part is that even if they want to say very much, the truth of it is yours, and yours alone.
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I would be lying to say it has not taken its toll on me.
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i hate this place
i hate that i ever thought it was any better than ravka.
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But my mother would say that the floor is still the floor, and we all walk upon it.
My mother makes grown men cry by remembering that better than they do.
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your mother.
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I suppose... I suppose when we quarreled that is what I was truly.... truly so upset about.
She is the one I have never been good enough for.
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AND back home, actually.
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I think it is that ruling, power more exactly, it changes what we are expected to do, be, and in turn, what we think of ourselves.
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[ succinct. ]
i'd hoped being here would free me from it.
that sounds stupid.
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Anduin and I... we could have any manner of a grand house. He is a Dominant with a grand position here, working as the head of the Hospital. It would be befitting both our stations at home if we did.
We bought a cottage with enough space for my hound and we do our best to keep from any kind of public life except when it's needed for the sake of others.
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i even liked the public housing in the up for the same reason.
it's the people and the responsibility i could lose.
the way no one sees me
i feel like there's less and less me every day, just a shape that people keep filling up with what they want from me
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my parents died when i was young.
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It is no insult to me, either, if you do not.
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First she told me, that the only being that knew me, from beginning to one day, my end, will be death. Death is mother, death is father, death is brother and sister, death is first lover, and last friend to all the world. No one shall be higher than death. Death is the only thing in all the world that will not lie to you. For it either is or is not.
Second she told me, that death is a cousin to power. But power is a liar. Power seems strong, but it is weak lamb with soft bones and a mouthful of teeth. It is hungry like a newborn babe. It screams and screams for more. You can try and sate it with little morsels of lesser food, but it will only ask for your flesh. But it cannot force you to do anything. Instead, it will trick you with such fearful screams, so you feed yourself to it of your own free will. Be wary of power, and of those who would have you feed it. Remember that it is weak, and a liar and all its promises are from the ugly hungry mouth.
Lastly - ah... do you know the story of the sailors arguing on the shore?
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[ but she's already beginning to wonder if it will be metaphorical as the rest β which alina can barely follow. she hadn't been schooled in literature. she'd been schooled at ana kuya's knee in mapmaking and drawing in a way that made her practical and not much else.
but she thinks she understands. even power itself cannot force her into anything. but it doesn't feel that way, to her. it feels like a force she can't resist. then again, she supposes that gilia's metaphor accounted for that too.
what would it have been like, to have a mother to say these things? alina shies away from the thought. it's wrapped in the thorns of grief. she can't bring herself to touch it. ]
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The first looked down into the water and said, "The water is blue, see on the horizon, it is almost exactly the same."
The second looked down and disagreed, "See how the light hits it? The water is white!"
Hearing their voices and debate, a fish rose to the surface, shaking his head at them both he said: "But down below, the water is green."
Then a cloud was passing, and said: "No, no, I see all the ocean, it is grey."
Eventually, the sun began to set and said: "The water is whatever color I wish." And turned all the sea purple and pink, yellow and orange.
They all debated so long, so deeply, that finally the Sea-Father could stand no more of it, and sent a whale, the greatest of all its creatures to the surface: "Fools! Look again! The water never had any color at all!"
And he rose and fell in the water with a great splash so that everyone could see the water splashing and see at last, the whale was right. The water never had any color at all, and they just thought it had. A hundred eyes from every height, and yet none of them ever had the right of it, just because they looked and did not think.
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They do not. They look, but they see nothing. What you are, was always yours alone.
Remembering that when the whole world looks upon me and thinks they know anything about me at all, is all that has kept me sane, some days. They will say awful things about me, too.
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But the most important part is that even if they want to say very much, the truth of it is yours, and yours alone.