[ she looks down at the hand. feels a kind of guilt wrap its fist around her heart. it would be kinder to be hard with him now, hopeless as she is. what did he think was going to happen, if she closed that gap to embrace him again? she would still be plagued by aleksander. he would always exist there between them, a pain in his chest, and a monstrosity in hers.
but she is more selfish and scared than she is brave. she feels as she had those first days in the little palace. her feelings welling up so big they threaten to flood out of her. she'd wanted mal there so badly, back then. written frantic letters that he'd never returned.
it is only a matter of time before he realizes his mistake. she wants to shield herself from the sting of that. ]
[ she is bending, though. her resolve swaying under these declarations. all she can hide behind now is a surge of her own confusion and fear, spilling out at once. ]
I've been trying for months, and you know what I've learned? That it's worse than I ever could have imagined. And it's my fault, and there's no fixing it. [ she puts her hand to her chest, just between the protrusion of aleksander's bones. ] All I ever wanted was to be rid of him, and now I never will be.
[ The difference between impossible and improbable is only that they haven't found a way to navigate past the former to arrive at the latter.
They don't know enough. But that's Nikolai's task; he's the one who should be unraveling the esoteric nature of the amplifiers Alina's fashioned. It's different for him, all of it. ]
Can he appear without invitation?
[ Means through the tether; neither of them have the ability to keep Kirigan from simply finding his way into their company as long as they're in this place altogether. ]
[ that's how aleksander had made it sound, yes. that's what he'd attributed it to. but that didn't make it true. as scared as she is that he's right, she has never felt like she was reaching out to him consciously. ]
[ she's staggered by what a relief it is, and equal parts horrified as it occurs to her why that is. she needs his certainty because she lacks it. she needs him to believe that she's not calling for him, because aleksander made her doubt.
it feels like a lie, even if she knows she can't be sure. even if nothing makes sense and everything is unprecedented. even if she'd never purposefully done it.
she steps closer to him then, folds herself into his chest, arms wrapped tight around his high shoulders so she can press her face against hist neck and hide her fear, her grief, her doubt.
they erupt anyway, in a quiet, trembling question: ] What if it really is forever?
[ It might be forever. Nikolai doesn't know enough to be certain one way or the other. Kirigan is the best source of information they have, but he isn't without his own motivations. It diminishes his credibility.
But even so, Nikolai has very little reason to believe there is an easy fix. Or even that there is a difficult one that wouldn't damage or endanger Alina beyond reason.
He cradles her closer, catches her up and holds her tight. Puts a soft kiss to the top of her head. ]
We'll weather it, [ Nikolai murmurs. ] We'll find a way around it. I've never met a snare I couldn't slip out of, Alina.
[ a trap? is that what this is? she considers what he'd known when he decided to be with her, and what it looks like now, and though her chest aches, she can't find herself disagreeing. ]
I never wanted to be one of them.
[ she mumbles it more to herself than as something demanding response. turns her face into his chest, breathing deep. lately, there's something steadying about the smell of him. about touching him. it helps her head clear, just a little bit. ]
It's nothing that requires apology, [ Nikolai murmurs. ] We're both playing roles that we hadn't thought would fall to us.
[ There's a sense of something settled, an easing of something painful. It becomes manageable, this looming, dread-filled presence that Kirigan casts in his wake, while they are folded together this way. ]
[ she says again. like she doesn't know any other words. ]
I know that I should be noble and say that just because I'm trapped doesn't mean you have to put yourself in the cage with me. [ she shakes her head, forehead rubbing against his collarbone. ] But I'm not noble. I don't want to let go of you.
[ it's going to hurt them both worse in the end. she knows this. but she's too selfish to discourage him from making such a stupid decision. ]
[ she looks up at him, gaze soft. there's something tremulous and vulnerable about it. this is the time, she thinks. this is the kind of moment where she should affirm that she loves him. admit it. it's the safest time to do it. he's seen the worst, is staring down the worst and all its inevitability with her, and he isn't even flinching.
but she doesn't want to love him because he can put on a mask and be strong for her. she wants to love him because he can take it off. to really be in this together with her—scared beside her. even if she needs and leans onto the stability of him pretending otherwise.
so alina stares at him a moment like this, the words on the tip of her tongue. wanting and not wanting to let them out. heart hammering up into her throat.
finally, instead, she lifts one hand to the back of his neck, fingers threading up into his hair so she can pull him down enough that she can get on her tiptoes and kiss him. it's a kiss that means it. that lingers, her forehead pressed to his, breathing deeply of him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ she looks down at the hand. feels a kind of guilt wrap its fist around her heart. it would be kinder to be hard with him now, hopeless as she is. what did he think was going to happen, if she closed that gap to embrace him again? she would still be plagued by aleksander. he would always exist there between them, a pain in his chest, and a monstrosity in hers.
but she is more selfish and scared than she is brave. she feels as she had those first days in the little palace. her feelings welling up so big they threaten to flood out of her. she'd wanted mal there so badly, back then. written frantic letters that he'd never returned.
it is only a matter of time before he realizes his mistake. she wants to shield herself from the sting of that. ]
What do you call your probing, then?
no subject
[ To whatever extent they could.
Even if it is only to understand the thing she is carrying, the toll it's taken on her. ]
I know I'm no grisha, but I am still your husband. I still mean everything I promised, when I first arrived.
no subject
[ she is bending, though. her resolve swaying under these declarations. all she can hide behind now is a surge of her own confusion and fear, spilling out at once. ]
I've been trying for months, and you know what I've learned? That it's worse than I ever could have imagined. And it's my fault, and there's no fixing it. [ she puts her hand to her chest, just between the protrusion of aleksander's bones. ] All I ever wanted was to be rid of him, and now I never will be.
no subject
[ The difference between impossible and improbable is only that they haven't found a way to navigate past the former to arrive at the latter.
They don't know enough. But that's Nikolai's task; he's the one who should be unraveling the esoteric nature of the amplifiers Alina's fashioned. It's different for him, all of it. ]
Can he appear without invitation?
[ Means through the tether; neither of them have the ability to keep Kirigan from simply finding his way into their company as long as they're in this place altogether. ]
no subject
[ that's how aleksander had made it sound, yes. that's what he'd attributed it to. but that didn't make it true. as scared as she is that he's right, she has never felt like she was reaching out to him consciously. ]
Do you believe me?
no subject
I believe you.
[ It's a choice. It is Nikolai taking all the alternatives, all his questions, and pushing them down, compressing them out of sight.
He believes her. He is choosing to believe her. ]
no subject
it feels like a lie, even if she knows she can't be sure. even if nothing makes sense and everything is unprecedented. even if she'd never purposefully done it.
she steps closer to him then, folds herself into his chest, arms wrapped tight around his high shoulders so she can press her face against hist neck and hide her fear, her grief, her doubt.
they erupt anyway, in a quiet, trembling question: ] What if it really is forever?
no subject
But even so, Nikolai has very little reason to believe there is an easy fix. Or even that there is a difficult one that wouldn't damage or endanger Alina beyond reason.
He cradles her closer, catches her up and holds her tight. Puts a soft kiss to the top of her head. ]
We'll weather it, [ Nikolai murmurs. ] We'll find a way around it. I've never met a snare I couldn't slip out of, Alina.
no subject
I never wanted to be one of them.
[ she mumbles it more to herself than as something demanding response. turns her face into his chest, breathing deep. lately, there's something steadying about the smell of him. about touching him. it helps her head clear, just a little bit. ]
I'm sorry. I never meant for any of this.
no subject
[ There's a sense of something settled, an easing of something painful. It becomes manageable, this looming, dread-filled presence that Kirigan casts in his wake, while they are folded together this way. ]
We'll find our way. Side by side, Alina.
no subject
[ she says again. like she doesn't know any other words. ]
I know that I should be noble and say that just because I'm trapped doesn't mean you have to put yourself in the cage with me. [ she shakes her head, forehead rubbing against his collarbone. ] But I'm not noble. I don't want to let go of you.
[ it's going to hurt them both worse in the end. she knows this. but she's too selfish to discourage him from making such a stupid decision. ]
no subject
[ It should scare him more to say. But he has been able to keep that fear in check, simmering low in the back of his head. ]
I mean to keep my promise, Alina. We're together in this, as we have been in all else.
[ All that she has experienced here, and all that she hasn't lived through in Ravka. ]
no subject
but she doesn't want to love him because he can put on a mask and be strong for her. she wants to love him because he can take it off. to really be in this together with her—scared beside her. even if she needs and leans onto the stability of him pretending otherwise.
so alina stares at him a moment like this, the words on the tip of her tongue. wanting and not wanting to let them out. heart hammering up into her throat.
finally, instead, she lifts one hand to the back of his neck, fingers threading up into his hair so she can pull him down enough that she can get on her tiptoes and kiss him. it's a kiss that means it. that lingers, her forehead pressed to his, breathing deeply of him. ]