[ it's fine. she'll just be paralyzed and incapable of doing anything for the next x amount of time wondering what the fuck kind of terrible conversation awaits.
after some failed attempts to read or draw, she eventually separates the beds again, putting genya's back against the opposite wall. (because it will always be genya's.) ]
That's going to make it challenging, the next time I stay the night.
[ Whenever that might be, given his uncertainty as to the conversation they're about to have. But still, he crosses the room. Reaches for her, meaning to reel her in to kiss regardless. ]
[ she looks over her shoulder, straightens up as he enters, setting aside the business of pushing the bed. for the best, really. without using her powers, she's lost a respectable amount of muscle mass, and even at her healthiest, she did not excel in physical labor. ]
I just thought ... [ and then she looks from one bed to the other, and realizes that she didn't have any idea how that was supposed to make any of it better. it didn't address the privacy, even if it addressed the surface level expectation that they wouldn't keep the same bed.
she lets him take her into his arms. kisses him. then again, seeking the reassuring warmth of his mouth. this is the preferable reason to not be able to think clearly. her hands settle on his chest. she wets her lips, looking down at his top button, which is closer to her eye level anyway.
she doesn't want to say that she'd tried to make the idea more amenable to him, either. she already feels pathetic for her initial misunderstanding. ] I don't know what I thought. I'm sorry. About Felipe. I feel like this is my fault.
I think he would have begun to press me, regardless of what happened between the two of you, once he knew we were married. And I'd rather people know we were married.
[ Nikolai sets his hands to her back, sweeps circles up and then down her spine, doesn't urge her to look at him. ]
You don't have to apologize for not strategizing a conversation with me.
[ a little sour. it's a sore point, one that gets her to look at him again. it seemed like he'd come to her right away. that was good, wasn't it? it's what she once would have done with —
I know you do. And I know I could have had more care with how I spoke to you.
[ Not strategy. But she does look at him, which Nikolai takes as a promising thing. His fingers press lightly down at the center of her back, hooking her gently closer. ]
I should have remembered that you didn't know me in the palace.
No. You told me from the first that it was an alliance.
[ she was the one in the wrong for applying all the ordinary figures of a marriage to it. for overlooking the gaping hole in the middle, where a heart should be. her palm smooths over the center of nikolai's chest, an unconscious relief to find that hole is made less literal than it had been. ]
[ An immediate shake of his head, dismissal of that assertion. She isn't stupid. She's working with half the information, parts and pieces that she's assembled as best she could. ]
I proposed it as an alliance. I understood your affections were elsewhere.
[ Not with him. That he was being accommodated, that he was of use to her, and that their goals for the kingdom were aligned.
Had he loved her then? It is not for Nikolai to say. (He has hardly said the truth of this aloud.) ]
I told you then that I wouldn't kiss you until I knew you'd be thinking of me, not of anyone else.
[ A small admission, one that spills out some heavier implication. An alliance, yes, but what he'd wanted beyond that. How badly he'd wanted to kiss her and know that she was kissing him back of her own accord. ]
[ it draws her attention back up fully. for the first time, alina seems wholly aware of the vulnerability he's offering to her. can see it for what it is, those hints of resigned yearning, and is made to wonder how else these unspoken facets have informed the rest of their interactions, here.
has he still wondered? it feels impossible. and yet. she thinks of all the little ways that she's felt him holding himself back, all her frustration with wanting him to want her, to act like he does, only to be met with restraint.
it is not hard to deduce the remainder. he had mentioned mal's name, and she has tried hard not to think about that, to set him out of her mind. because she had not seen him for months and she had been cross with him in tsibeya, hurt by his neglect. and then she had been here, willing to do the sorts of things that she knew he would never approve of, never understand. things that nikolai did approve of, did understand, even gave his support and cooperation to.
she will not think of mal's face and how it sits there just at the back of her thoughts, always. loudest when she catches a glimpse of the bones in her collar, or sees someone else repulsed by them and does not wonder but knows how he would see it. she will not think of how she searches for his smile in the curve of eddie's mouth, and the warmth of felipe's skin, and all of the ordinary things that have not fulfilled her and cannot understand her, and--
and if she had ever thought of him while she held nikolai, it was only to marvel at how opposite his reaction had been to what she had learned to anticipate of mal. to recognize that the tension in her shoulders had been all mal, and the release was all nikolai. and all this time, somehow, he hasn't known that.
she lifts her hands to cup his face. takes the moment to set aside malyen oretsev. a breath, to place herself entirely back into nikolai's eyes, and the twinge of uncertainty there.
she has kissed him already since he came into her room, but this time, when her mouth closes over his, it is different. it is with the assurance that she understands fully the terms of what it means, and that changes nothing. that she has only ever thought of him when she kissed him, and that her affections are right here. ]
[ There are so many reasons why he hadn't told her these things to start with. She had barely believed him, and maybe wouldn't have entertained him at all if he'd tried to explain the whole of it.
But maybe she believes him now. Or understands some part of it that hadn't been clear to her before.
Alina kisses him, and Nikolai makes a soft sound into her mouth, his hands tightening around her waist. Bows into her, drawing her into him. Kisses her until he loses his breath, and stops to put his forehead against hers. Breathe there, nose brushing Alina's.
They've kissed before, yes, but now— ]
Moya zhena, [ he murmurs. ] I would have waited a lifetime for you.
[ the urge to cry wells up in her chest. a twitching sense of pressure that she tries to dispel by petting one hand back over his hair, smoothing curls flatter against his skull. as if she were comforting him, that he had not needed to wait a lifetime, instead of herself, that loving her is not a mistake, not undeserved.
that's what this is, isn't it? quentin had known to call it that. alina hadn't believed him, but that roughness in nikolai's voice begs a great deal more faith. ]
It'd be a very silly martyrdom when you've had me all along. [ another kiss. this one briefer than the last. ] I've only ever thought of you.
It doesn't matter now. In this moment, Alina tells him this and he believes her. He chooses that. They kisses. His hands spread across her hips. He kisses the corner of her mouth. Straightens only slightly, so he might look at her face. ]
I mean to keep you, [ he tells her. ] I swore that in front of our people, on the altar in the palace. I meant it there, and I mean it here.
[ against his mouth, she smiles. it lingers still even when he pulls back, full and glowing in a way that she hasn't in some time. there is nothing thin and eerie and eldritch about it. nothing golden about it either. just her own happiness.
her arms wind up around him. keeping him close. ]
I'm yours. [ she insists, again. ] For as long as you want me.
[ it would be better if this weren't true. for him. maybe even for ravka. she is a storm of dark moods and little knives that she wields against him and secrets that she keeps from him because she cannot keep them from herself. she will ruin him, as she has been ruined, but she is just selfish enough to want to keep him all the same.
and then can bask in each other's company, now—and they do, for a time—but this is not the crux of the matter at hand. ] But you still need somewhere to stay.
[ He kisses her once more, before he answers, ] I know.
[ And maybe it will be easier to speak of this now that his position has been made so clear. ]
But I'm not sure it should be here. Not because I don't wish to spend time in your bed, or wake alongside you. But because I'm not sure it wouldn't hurt you, when I spent nights elsewhere. Or make you feel guilty, if you did.
Whereas it has never bothered me, to wonder if you'll be there when I knock at your door or how many nights you're spending out of your own bed, and realizing that Felipe knows that better than I do. Or to be questioned about why my husband and I live separately, and not have a good answer.
[ she releases him, looks foolishly at genya's bed, which had solved entirely the wrong problem. or solved no problem at all. only directed her restless energy somewhere.
she looks back at him. ]
Would you ... Would you, just this once, stop thinking about me, and tell me what you want. Do you want your privacy? Would you feel hurt?
[ Alina lets go, and Nikolai catches her hand. Reluctant to permit a full parting, even if he can allow her some measure of space. His thumb runs along her knuckles, looking down at their hands before raising his eyes back to her. ]
I don't know.
[ Would it hurt him, whenever Alina spent a night at Ianthe's? He can't say. He doesn't think so, but— ]
I like this room. I like sharing your bed. I would like it, if we had a place for ourselves.
[ These are truths, methodically parceled out. ]
But I'm afraid of what it would be like, when one of us left for a night.
[ he keeps her in his orbit. a tether that won't let her slip away into retreat, that demands their sustained vulnerability in this corner of one another's company. and though it is unfamiliar in a way that makes her chest warm and her shoulders tight, it is also —
a relief.
have they ever spoken so honestly with one another?
she turns back towards him, allowing that tether to draw her back to him. there is a furrow of fatigue in her brow, but there's something lighter about it too. like this whole thing has shone a light that chased away some of the ghosts she'd been hauling around with her. ]
Scared about what it would be like if we knew when one of us was leaving for a night. [ this is a careful litigating. ] Scared of what it would be like to be honest with one another about the position we're in. [ she recognizes that it's beginning to sound like she'd set him up just to attack him, so she shakes her head. she's riding the high of their newfound honesty. ] It hurts either way. But maybe it will hurt less, knowing we'll both be back here, in the end.
[ Will Nikolai ever acclimate to the strangeness of his marriage? A lifetime of observing his mother, who could barely tolerate the company of the king? A whole court of people who were sometimes fond and most times distant?
And here is Alina, who he cannot get near enough to. Whose bed he would share. Whose life he will share in a way that he had never prepared himself to do.
He brings her hand to his mouth. Kisses her knuckles. Runs a thumb over the thin black line around her ring finger. ]
[ she affirms, smile twitching again at the softness of his mouth, at the idle consideration she catches of the mark on her finger. she draws up against him, rests her head against his chest, listens to the frantic sound of his startled heart.
a pause. then, she admits, ] I'm really not looking forward to moving the bed again.
[ Readily, an easy offer to make. Another day, they can broach the topic of how pale she's been, how weak. Right now, they've stretched their honesty far enough. ]
Then you can tell me where I should put my things.
Right. Well, I never really moved Genya's clothes out of her drawers. [ she gestures. ] But I'll just drop the bedding off at the laundry and find a box to put her clothes in while you're packing.
[ she can't bring herself to get rid of them properly. the implication that they will remain in storage until genya has use of them is unassailable.
anyway, it seems like a good plan to her. clean sheets that don't radiate lingering depression and plenty of time to pack things away while he gets his own belongings ready. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ like is she making dresser space or ]
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[ his box of stuff can sit in the hallway. ]
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Obviously.
Okay.
[ it's fine. she'll just be paralyzed and incapable of doing anything for the next x amount of time wondering what the fuck kind of terrible conversation awaits.
after some failed attempts to read or draw, she eventually separates the beds again, putting genya's back against the opposite wall. (because it will always be genya's.) ]
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[ Comes a prompting question from the doorway. ]
That's going to make it challenging, the next time I stay the night.
[ Whenever that might be, given his uncertainty as to the conversation they're about to have. But still, he crosses the room. Reaches for her, meaning to reel her in to kiss regardless. ]
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I just thought ... [ and then she looks from one bed to the other, and realizes that she didn't have any idea how that was supposed to make any of it better. it didn't address the privacy, even if it addressed the surface level expectation that they wouldn't keep the same bed.
she lets him take her into his arms. kisses him. then again, seeking the reassuring warmth of his mouth. this is the preferable reason to not be able to think clearly. her hands settle on his chest. she wets her lips, looking down at his top button, which is closer to her eye level anyway.
she doesn't want to say that she'd tried to make the idea more amenable to him, either. she already feels pathetic for her initial misunderstanding. ] I don't know what I thought. I'm sorry. About Felipe. I feel like this is my fault.
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[ Easy reassurance, no ambiguity in it. ]
I think he would have begun to press me, regardless of what happened between the two of you, once he knew we were married. And I'd rather people know we were married.
[ Nikolai sets his hands to her back, sweeps circles up and then down her spine, doesn't urge her to look at him. ]
I'm sorry. I didn't approach this well.
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[ a little sour. it's a sore point, one that gets her to look at him again. it seemed like he'd come to her right away. that was good, wasn't it? it's what she once would have done with —
no. she's not thinking about that. ]
I just want to help.
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[ Not strategy. But she does look at him, which Nikolai takes as a promising thing. His fingers press lightly down at the center of her back, hooking her gently closer. ]
I should have remembered that you didn't know me in the palace.
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[ she was the one in the wrong for applying all the ordinary figures of a marriage to it. for overlooking the gaping hole in the middle, where a heart should be. her palm smooths over the center of nikolai's chest, an unconscious relief to find that hole is made less literal than it had been. ]
I was being stupid.
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I proposed it as an alliance. I understood your affections were elsewhere.
[ Not with him. That he was being accommodated, that he was of use to her, and that their goals for the kingdom were aligned.
Had he loved her then? It is not for Nikolai to say. (He has hardly said the truth of this aloud.) ]
I told you then that I wouldn't kiss you until I knew you'd be thinking of me, not of anyone else.
[ A small admission, one that spills out some heavier implication. An alliance, yes, but what he'd wanted beyond that. How badly he'd wanted to kiss her and know that she was kissing him back of her own accord. ]
(cw: ungenerous malyen takes)
has he still wondered? it feels impossible. and yet. she thinks of all the little ways that she's felt him holding himself back, all her frustration with wanting him to want her, to act like he does, only to be met with restraint.
it is not hard to deduce the remainder. he had mentioned mal's name, and she has tried hard not to think about that, to set him out of her mind. because she had not seen him for months and she had been cross with him in tsibeya, hurt by his neglect. and then she had been here, willing to do the sorts of things that she knew he would never approve of, never understand. things that nikolai did approve of, did understand, even gave his support and cooperation to.
she will not think of mal's face and how it sits there just at the back of her thoughts, always. loudest when she catches a glimpse of the bones in her collar, or sees someone else repulsed by them and does not wonder but knows how he would see it. she will not think of how she searches for his smile in the curve of eddie's mouth, and the warmth of felipe's skin, and all of the ordinary things that have not fulfilled her and cannot understand her, and--
and if she had ever thought of him while she held nikolai, it was only to marvel at how opposite his reaction had been to what she had learned to anticipate of mal. to recognize that the tension in her shoulders had been all mal, and the release was all nikolai. and all this time, somehow, he hasn't known that.
she lifts her hands to cup his face. takes the moment to set aside malyen oretsev. a breath, to place herself entirely back into nikolai's eyes, and the twinge of uncertainty there.
she has kissed him already since he came into her room, but this time, when her mouth closes over his, it is different. it is with the assurance that she understands fully the terms of what it means, and that changes nothing. that she has only ever thought of him when she kissed him, and that her affections are right here. ]
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But maybe she believes him now. Or understands some part of it that hadn't been clear to her before.
Alina kisses him, and Nikolai makes a soft sound into her mouth, his hands tightening around her waist. Bows into her, drawing her into him. Kisses her until he loses his breath, and stops to put his forehead against hers. Breathe there, nose brushing Alina's.
They've kissed before, yes, but now— ]
Moya zhena, [ he murmurs. ] I would have waited a lifetime for you.
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that's what this is, isn't it? quentin had known to call it that. alina hadn't believed him, but that roughness in nikolai's voice begs a great deal more faith. ]
It'd be a very silly martyrdom when you've had me all along. [ another kiss. this one briefer than the last. ] I've only ever thought of you.
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It doesn't matter now. In this moment, Alina tells him this and he believes her. He chooses that. They kisses. His hands spread across her hips. He kisses the corner of her mouth. Straightens only slightly, so he might look at her face. ]
I mean to keep you, [ he tells her. ] I swore that in front of our people, on the altar in the palace. I meant it there, and I mean it here.
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her arms wind up around him. keeping him close. ]
I'm yours. [ she insists, again. ] For as long as you want me.
[ it would be better if this weren't true. for him. maybe even for ravka. she is a storm of dark moods and little knives that she wields against him and secrets that she keeps from him because she cannot keep them from herself. she will ruin him, as she has been ruined, but she is just selfish enough to want to keep him all the same.
and then can bask in each other's company, now—and they do, for a time—but this is not the crux of the matter at hand. ] But you still need somewhere to stay.
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[ And maybe it will be easier to speak of this now that his position has been made so clear. ]
But I'm not sure it should be here. Not because I don't wish to spend time in your bed, or wake alongside you. But because I'm not sure it wouldn't hurt you, when I spent nights elsewhere. Or make you feel guilty, if you did.
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[ she releases him, looks foolishly at genya's bed, which had solved entirely the wrong problem. or solved no problem at all. only directed her restless energy somewhere.
she looks back at him. ]
Would you ... Would you, just this once, stop thinking about me, and tell me what you want. Do you want your privacy? Would you feel hurt?
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I don't know.
[ Would it hurt him, whenever Alina spent a night at Ianthe's? He can't say. He doesn't think so, but— ]
I like this room. I like sharing your bed. I would like it, if we had a place for ourselves.
[ These are truths, methodically parceled out. ]
But I'm afraid of what it would be like, when one of us left for a night.
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a relief.
have they ever spoken so honestly with one another?
she turns back towards him, allowing that tether to draw her back to him. there is a furrow of fatigue in her brow, but there's something lighter about it too. like this whole thing has shone a light that chased away some of the ghosts she'd been hauling around with her. ]
Scared about what it would be like if we knew when one of us was leaving for a night. [ this is a careful litigating. ] Scared of what it would be like to be honest with one another about the position we're in. [ she recognizes that it's beginning to sound like she'd set him up just to attack him, so she shakes her head. she's riding the high of their newfound honesty. ] It hurts either way. But maybe it will hurt less, knowing we'll both be back here, in the end.
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And here is Alina, who he cannot get near enough to. Whose bed he would share. Whose life he will share in a way that he had never prepared himself to do.
He brings her hand to his mouth. Kisses her knuckles. Runs a thumb over the thin black line around her ring finger. ]
Maybe, [ Nikolai agrees quietly. ] We could try.
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[ she affirms, smile twitching again at the softness of his mouth, at the idle consideration she catches of the mark on her finger. she draws up against him, rests her head against his chest, listens to the frantic sound of his startled heart.
a pause. then, she admits, ] I'm really not looking forward to moving the bed again.
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[ Readily, an easy offer to make. Another day, they can broach the topic of how pale she's been, how weak. Right now, they've stretched their honesty far enough. ]
Then you can tell me where I should put my things.
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[ she can't bring herself to get rid of them properly. the implication that they will remain in storage until genya has use of them is unassailable.
anyway, it seems like a good plan to her. clean sheets that don't radiate lingering depression and plenty of time to pack things away while he gets his own belongings ready. ]