( for a moment, he wonders how much she wants to hear and what he should tell her. probably all of it, even if it's not pretty to hear at all. so he starts; ) I found her outside, some Rubeans were trying to get to her but she had this force field around her. She'd been there a while. They said the only way was to fuck her... but I didn't want to do that. We don't know each other like that, you know?
So I took her into the boarding house and thought--- I thought I could trick whatever the sleeping curse is. The bite hurts but it's also, uh, good. You know? I thought maybe that'd wake her up and I'd stop, spend my time apologizing for how fucked that was.
Except her blood tasted better than anything I'd tasted before and I-- I guess I was further along than I realised. I didn't stop. ( there's a long pause and it almost sounds like he won't speak again. ) I'd never killed anyone before that so I ran off, freaked out, threw up and panicked. Then I realised how fucked up that was. So I went back and she was gone. I thought someone had picked her up already, had taken her to be prepared for the rest of the end of the month.
[ listening to it isn't easier. it makes her ache for ianthe. it makes her think of nikolai, who had been so cautious, so apologetic, about imposing himself on her sleeping body, and how alina had only laughed and admitted how pleased she'd been to wake up to him, to be wanted by him, let alone how it had pulled her out of terrible nightmares. how ianthe's experience was the opposite, how eddie's actions were everything that nikolai had dreaded his own might be perceived as. ]
You really hurt her. What you did ... I think it might have been worse than if you'd woken her up the other way. It took something from her, something that I don't think either of us can understand.
( and he knows that, he does. it weighs on him every day that ianthe doesn't come and collect, but she wanted him to stay away until then. and it's her choice.
there's a long silence before he answers again, ) I know. That's why whatever she wants from me... However I can make it up to her, I'll do it.
Were you ... [ she takes a deep breath. she bites down on her lip. it's hope, and she knows it, and that means it's going to get dashed. but she's already started to ask the question. it's too late now. ] Were you yourself, when it happened?
[ the moot hall had made it clear who had been under the creature's influence, but not the extent of the duration. she also hadn't known when this had taken place, only that it had. it could mean a lot of things. she wants it to mean that it wasn't him. ]
I don't think I was. ( murphy wasn't in his head yet but the monster inside of him? that had already taken hold. eddie wishes he could blame someone else, could say something better than that -- something definitive. ) I still fucked up, Alina. If I was or not.
[ quick and firm. but the pause after it is not unforgiving. this is more complicated than alina just being able to loathe him for what he'd done to ianthe. ]
I'm just trying to understand. [ another beat. ] When I attacked Kirigan in the wood, the minute it was done, I — [ she rubs her hand over her mouth and takes a breath. ] It was like I was someone else. But it was still me. And when they accused me, at the Moot, I still took responsibility.
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So I took her into the boarding house and thought--- I thought I could trick whatever the sleeping curse is. The bite hurts but it's also, uh, good. You know? I thought maybe that'd wake her up and I'd stop, spend my time apologizing for how fucked that was.
Except her blood tasted better than anything I'd tasted before and I-- I guess I was further along than I realised. I didn't stop. ( there's a long pause and it almost sounds like he won't speak again. ) I'd never killed anyone before that so I ran off, freaked out, threw up and panicked. Then I realised how fucked up that was. So I went back and she was gone. I thought someone had picked her up already, had taken her to be prepared for the rest of the end of the month.
(cw: somno & dubcon references)
You really hurt her. What you did ... I think it might have been worse than if you'd woken her up the other way. It took something from her, something that I don't think either of us can understand.
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there's a long silence before he answers again, ) I know. That's why whatever she wants from me... However I can make it up to her, I'll do it.
no subject
[ the moot hall had made it clear who had been under the creature's influence, but not the extent of the duration. she also hadn't known when this had taken place, only that it had. it could mean a lot of things. she wants it to mean that it wasn't him. ]
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[ quick and firm. but the pause after it is not unforgiving. this is more complicated than alina just being able to loathe him for what he'd done to ianthe. ]
I'm just trying to understand. [ another beat. ] When I attacked Kirigan in the wood, the minute it was done, I — [ she rubs her hand over her mouth and takes a breath. ] It was like I was someone else. But it was still me. And when they accused me, at the Moot, I still took responsibility.