she throws her journal at the wall of her room. she doesn't shout. but her eyes are wet and she runs her hands back through her hair, pulling it out of her face. tugged tight.
she doesn't want to go to him. she doesn't want to do any of this. not now, not when she feels so frail with her every fear confirmed. that she'd never meant anything to him. that he had only ever used her. that he was every bit the monster his mother claimed, and she was every bit as stupid.
at lottie's party, she had fallen into him because she had told herself that aleksander, at least, would always make her feel wanted, even if it was just because he wanted to use her. needed to use her. she tries to tell herself it's impossible. he needs a sun summoner for his plans. he can't turn away from her. there is no replacement. that was her assurance. no matter how horrifying she became, no matter how monstrous, no matter what he warped her into, he would at least have use for her. it wasn't as good as feeling wanted, but it was something.
what does she have now?
she has to do it, though. she has to make this right. she braids her hair while she walks, pulling it out of her face, letting it curl long over her shoulder. she makes her way between the stalls, navigating the crowds that glower at her. they recognize her by her bones—his bones.
even if he discards her, he is a part of her body now. indelibly etched into her. it had been true before she had mutilated his corpse, but it was truer now, visible in a way it hadn't been before. and somehow, it feels like it's his bones that draw her to him, that help her find him. ]
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You have half an hour to find me, Alya. Don't make me look for you, you won't enjoy what follows.
(cw: grooming, dubcon, unhealthy codependency and insecurity issues)
she throws her journal at the wall of her room. she doesn't shout. but her eyes are wet and she runs her hands back through her hair, pulling it out of her face. tugged tight.
she doesn't want to go to him. she doesn't want to do any of this. not now, not when she feels so frail with her every fear confirmed. that she'd never meant anything to him. that he had only ever used her. that he was every bit the monster his mother claimed, and she was every bit as stupid.
at lottie's party, she had fallen into him because she had told herself that aleksander, at least, would always make her feel wanted, even if it was just because he wanted to use her. needed to use her. she tries to tell herself it's impossible. he needs a sun summoner for his plans. he can't turn away from her. there is no replacement. that was her assurance. no matter how horrifying she became, no matter how monstrous, no matter what he warped her into, he would at least have use for her. it wasn't as good as feeling wanted, but it was something.
what does she have now?
she has to do it, though. she has to make this right. she braids her hair while she walks, pulling it out of her face, letting it curl long over her shoulder. she makes her way between the stalls, navigating the crowds that glower at her. they recognize her by her bones—his bones.
even if he discards her, he is a part of her body now. indelibly etched into her. it had been true before she had mutilated his corpse, but it was truer now, visible in a way it hadn't been before. and somehow, it feels like it's his bones that draw her to him, that help her find him. ]