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[sunmon]

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alina starkov, 20

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(the limit does not exist)

[sunmon]

She's not Grisha. I'm not sure how much help I'd be.

[ frankly, it hadn't occurred to her to go look at it. unlike (apparently) most of the void-touched, alina is not quite arrogant enough to think she could discern how to use an unfamiliar power. ]

But if there's a chance to get your hands on it so that we can actually bargain with her over it...

[rezni]

I think Quentin would support bartering. It's the people standing around him that concern me. At least one has made it clear he wants it for himself.

[sunmon]

Allegedly, "God" is in favor of negotiating now too.

[ allegedly is doing a lot of work here ]

[rezni]

We'll see. It's the right thing to claim, but we've seen how those who desire power speak out of both sides of their mouth.

[sunmon]

Zoya shared that sentiment as well.

[ so at least they're all — well, those of them that remain anyway — on the same page. ]

You know him? Quentin.

[rezni]

I do. We met at the party, before I found you.

[ An explanation from which certain aspects of that meeting might be inferred. ]

I believe he's honest. I don't have the sense that he wants to keep it for himself.

[sunmon]

Should I be jealous?

[ a very important question worth sidelining talk of the all-sight for. ]

[rezni]

I could ask that question of you.

[sunmon]

That's quite the deflection.

[rezni]

Give me some credit. I'm far better at deflecting questions I don't care to answer than that.

Haven't I been obvious in my devotions?

[sunmon]

That was before you had obvious reason to change your mind.

[ well. additional obvious reason. alina rubs at the strange bones jutting out of her clavicle, frowning. it had felt light-hearted, at first, that question. but now it's lingering.

she shouldn't make him impatient with her insecurities. that's its own obvious justification to grow tired of her. but it had slipped out too easily, as her thoughts often did when talking like this. ]

[rezni]

And I haven't given you a more compelling reason for that?

[ All he has are pieces, fragments of recollection between Alina's kiss and the agony of resurrection. But none of them signal anything less than a horrific series of events. ]

[sunmon]

I'm not going to turn my back on you over something you didn't choose. Something you can't control.

Everyone here has a monster in them.

[ she had been the stupid one to linger, to believe that his feelings for her, or her feelings for him, might outweigh that. she had done the same with ianthe. in that nightmare, she had even made the same appeal to aleksander.

she craves that importance. enough to let herself get hurt over and over again for it. ]

[rezni]

[ This is true, but it doesn't assuage the uneasiness in him, the revulsion at what he might have done. In the absence of concrete memory he can do nothing but spin out possibilities to fill the space.

The beat of quiet passes. ]

I'm not going to cast you aside, Alina.

[ His almost-wife. The words catch, stalled because they must weigh too heavy on her to be a comfort. ]

[sunmon]

[ something about it twists in her chest. it sits all wrong. ]

Maybe you should.

[ if he wants to, surely it would be better to be cast aside than to be kept around as an obligation. something he's shackled to, a monster that he has devoted himself to but no longer desires.

maybe it's not fair to surprise him with all of this, to demand an answer at all. ]

If you want me to come with you to look at it, I will.

The All-Sight.

[rezni]

I do.

[ is incomplete, even if it feels like a foregone conclusion.

Yes, he wants her company always. No, nothing has changed. ]

But if you truly aren't interested, you could help me prepare before I go.

[sunmon]

I can do both.

[ her own lack of faith that she'll be able to make anything of it is nothing beside the surge of relief that comes with being not tolerated, not just useful, but wanted even when she isn't. she is helpless to turn down the opportunity. ]

[rezni]

Do you have the supplies from before the expedition still?

[ an exceptionally cautious question. ]

[sunmon]

The restraints?

[rezni]

We don't have to use them. I only thought you'd prefer them.

[ Insurance, against the thing that broke free of him in the forest.

Or because Nikolai is making an offering of himself. A gesture, not so grand as he'd like, but still, a gesture. ]

[sunmon]

This is going to help you prepare?

[ if she sounds skeptical, it's because this feels like a convenient excuse for a solicitation. as if he needed to hide behind an excuse. ]

[rezni]

There was discussion that it might force a transformation. Or tip us towards it.
I don't know how it might affect me.

[ But, in the interest of full disclosure— ]

I know there are other people I could ask. But I want you. I want you before anyone else. I always will.

[sunmon]

[ she wants to bottle that. save it, somehow, like a letter stuffed into a drawer. she wants to be able to revisit it and remind herself that at least in this moment, it was true.

no matter how it might change when he sees the awkwardness of her nudity or when they return to ravka and they have to explain the monstrosity that she has made of herself to people who will have opinions on these things, who will think she looks less like a saint or a queen than a witch. ]

I'll bring them.

But I don't intend to use them. Not just now.

[ it leaves a bad taste in her mouth, the thought of him being tied down. like she is forcing the unpleasantness of herself onto him. ]

I trust you.

[rezni]

Let me come to you. I'd rather not lock Felipe out of this room.

[ Whatever his opinions on the absence of restraints, they're laid aside.

She's voiced an opinion. Nikolai isn't inclined to press her on it, not when she has followed it with that declaration. ]

[sunmon]

[ a small, petty part of her thinks that felipe could stand to see what he'd missed out on when he'd spurned her, but —

the larger part of her doesn't want him to see her now, like this. because she is certain he wouldn't see it that way. nikolai may claim his feelings haven't changed, but she's certain felipe's have. certain enough to doggedly avoid him but for sniping over the network.

the result of smothering this is that her response is delayed anyway, so she delays it a little further to think of something that sounds suitably appealing to suggest. a long enough beat to be clearly curated. ]

You're always welcome in my bed.