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Whereas it has never bothered me, to wonder if you'll be there when I knock at your door or how many nights you're spending out of your own bed, and realizing that Felipe knows that better than I do. Or to be questioned about why my husband and I live separately, and not have a good answer.
[ she releases him, looks foolishly at genya's bed, which had solved entirely the wrong problem. or solved no problem at all. only directed her restless energy somewhere.
she looks back at him. ]
Would you ... Would you, just this once, stop thinking about me, and tell me what you want. Do you want your privacy? Would you feel hurt?
[ she releases him, looks foolishly at genya's bed, which had solved entirely the wrong problem. or solved no problem at all. only directed her restless energy somewhere.
she looks back at him. ]
Would you ... Would you, just this once, stop thinking about me, and tell me what you want. Do you want your privacy? Would you feel hurt?
[ Alina lets go, and Nikolai catches her hand. Reluctant to permit a full parting, even if he can allow her some measure of space. His thumb runs along her knuckles, looking down at their hands before raising his eyes back to her. ]
I don't know.
[ Would it hurt him, whenever Alina spent a night at Ianthe's? He can't say. He doesn't think so, but— ]
I like this room. I like sharing your bed. I would like it, if we had a place for ourselves.
[ These are truths, methodically parceled out. ]
But I'm afraid of what it would be like, when one of us left for a night.
I don't know.
[ Would it hurt him, whenever Alina spent a night at Ianthe's? He can't say. He doesn't think so, but— ]
I like this room. I like sharing your bed. I would like it, if we had a place for ourselves.
[ These are truths, methodically parceled out. ]
But I'm afraid of what it would be like, when one of us left for a night.
[ he keeps her in his orbit. a tether that won't let her slip away into retreat, that demands their sustained vulnerability in this corner of one another's company. and though it is unfamiliar in a way that makes her chest warm and her shoulders tight, it is also —
a relief.
have they ever spoken so honestly with one another?
she turns back towards him, allowing that tether to draw her back to him. there is a furrow of fatigue in her brow, but there's something lighter about it too. like this whole thing has shone a light that chased away some of the ghosts she'd been hauling around with her. ]
Scared about what it would be like if we knew when one of us was leaving for a night. [ this is a careful litigating. ] Scared of what it would be like to be honest with one another about the position we're in. [ she recognizes that it's beginning to sound like she'd set him up just to attack him, so she shakes her head. she's riding the high of their newfound honesty. ] It hurts either way. But maybe it will hurt less, knowing we'll both be back here, in the end.
a relief.
have they ever spoken so honestly with one another?
she turns back towards him, allowing that tether to draw her back to him. there is a furrow of fatigue in her brow, but there's something lighter about it too. like this whole thing has shone a light that chased away some of the ghosts she'd been hauling around with her. ]
Scared about what it would be like if we knew when one of us was leaving for a night. [ this is a careful litigating. ] Scared of what it would be like to be honest with one another about the position we're in. [ she recognizes that it's beginning to sound like she'd set him up just to attack him, so she shakes her head. she's riding the high of their newfound honesty. ] It hurts either way. But maybe it will hurt less, knowing we'll both be back here, in the end.
[ Will Nikolai ever acclimate to the strangeness of his marriage? A lifetime of observing his mother, who could barely tolerate the company of the king? A whole court of people who were sometimes fond and most times distant?
And here is Alina, who he cannot get near enough to. Whose bed he would share. Whose life he will share in a way that he had never prepared himself to do.
He brings her hand to his mouth. Kisses her knuckles. Runs a thumb over the thin black line around her ring finger. ]
Maybe, [ Nikolai agrees quietly. ] We could try.
And here is Alina, who he cannot get near enough to. Whose bed he would share. Whose life he will share in a way that he had never prepared himself to do.
He brings her hand to his mouth. Kisses her knuckles. Runs a thumb over the thin black line around her ring finger. ]
Maybe, [ Nikolai agrees quietly. ] We could try.
We'll try.
[ she affirms, smile twitching again at the softness of his mouth, at the idle consideration she catches of the mark on her finger. she draws up against him, rests her head against his chest, listens to the frantic sound of his startled heart.
a pause. then, she admits, ] I'm really not looking forward to moving the bed again.
[ she affirms, smile twitching again at the softness of his mouth, at the idle consideration she catches of the mark on her finger. she draws up against him, rests her head against his chest, listens to the frantic sound of his startled heart.
a pause. then, she admits, ] I'm really not looking forward to moving the bed again.
Right. Well, I never really moved Genya's clothes out of her drawers. [ she gestures. ] But I'll just drop the bedding off at the laundry and find a box to put her clothes in while you're packing.
[ she can't bring herself to get rid of them properly. the implication that they will remain in storage until genya has use of them is unassailable.
anyway, it seems like a good plan to her. clean sheets that don't radiate lingering depression and plenty of time to pack things away while he gets his own belongings ready. ]
[ she can't bring herself to get rid of them properly. the implication that they will remain in storage until genya has use of them is unassailable.
anyway, it seems like a good plan to her. clean sheets that don't radiate lingering depression and plenty of time to pack things away while he gets his own belongings ready. ]
I don't
I feel like a child.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want to know the particulars about the two of you being together.
Being intimate, I mean.
[ she will literally devour herself from the inside out with anxiety about if nikolai's needs are being met or being fulfilled elsewhere because alina can't give him something. ]
I feel like a child.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want to know the particulars about the two of you being together.
Being intimate, I mean.
[ she will literally devour herself from the inside out with anxiety about if nikolai's needs are being met or being fulfilled elsewhere because alina can't give him something. ]
I'm leaving for the caves soon. Will you come see me off?
I know. It's probably for the best that you're staying here. I'll see you at the gates.
[ she thinks of when ianthe had done the same. turned over a key to her home, welcomed alina into her space. this is different, though. it's a fallback. a shelter in emergency. not a gesture of intimacy, but a failsafe. ]
Putting yourself at risk for Zlatka's heart?
That doesn't seem like you. Especially given our conversation at tea.
Putting yourself at risk for Zlatka's heart?
That doesn't seem like you. Especially given our conversation at tea.
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