[ it draws her attention back up fully. for the first time, alina seems wholly aware of the vulnerability he's offering to her. can see it for what it is, those hints of resigned yearning, and is made to wonder how else these unspoken facets have informed the rest of their interactions, here.
has he still wondered? it feels impossible. and yet. she thinks of all the little ways that she's felt him holding himself back, all her frustration with wanting him to want her, to act like he does, only to be met with restraint.
it is not hard to deduce the remainder. he had mentioned mal's name, and she has tried hard not to think about that, to set him out of her mind. because she had not seen him for months and she had been cross with him in tsibeya, hurt by his neglect. and then she had been here, willing to do the sorts of things that she knew he would never approve of, never understand. things that nikolai did approve of, did understand, even gave his support and cooperation to.
she will not think of mal's face and how it sits there just at the back of her thoughts, always. loudest when she catches a glimpse of the bones in her collar, or sees someone else repulsed by them and does not wonder but knows how he would see it. she will not think of how she searches for his smile in the curve of eddie's mouth, and the warmth of felipe's skin, and all of the ordinary things that have not fulfilled her and cannot understand her, and--
and if she had ever thought of him while she held nikolai, it was only to marvel at how opposite his reaction had been to what she had learned to anticipate of mal. to recognize that the tension in her shoulders had been all mal, and the release was all nikolai. and all this time, somehow, he hasn't known that.
she lifts her hands to cup his face. takes the moment to set aside malyen oretsev. a breath, to place herself entirely back into nikolai's eyes, and the twinge of uncertainty there.
she has kissed him already since he came into her room, but this time, when her mouth closes over his, it is different. it is with the assurance that she understands fully the terms of what it means, and that changes nothing. that she has only ever thought of him when she kissed him, and that her affections are right here. ]
(cw: ungenerous malyen takes)
has he still wondered? it feels impossible. and yet. she thinks of all the little ways that she's felt him holding himself back, all her frustration with wanting him to want her, to act like he does, only to be met with restraint.
it is not hard to deduce the remainder. he had mentioned mal's name, and she has tried hard not to think about that, to set him out of her mind. because she had not seen him for months and she had been cross with him in tsibeya, hurt by his neglect. and then she had been here, willing to do the sorts of things that she knew he would never approve of, never understand. things that nikolai did approve of, did understand, even gave his support and cooperation to.
she will not think of mal's face and how it sits there just at the back of her thoughts, always. loudest when she catches a glimpse of the bones in her collar, or sees someone else repulsed by them and does not wonder but knows how he would see it. she will not think of how she searches for his smile in the curve of eddie's mouth, and the warmth of felipe's skin, and all of the ordinary things that have not fulfilled her and cannot understand her, and--
and if she had ever thought of him while she held nikolai, it was only to marvel at how opposite his reaction had been to what she had learned to anticipate of mal. to recognize that the tension in her shoulders had been all mal, and the release was all nikolai. and all this time, somehow, he hasn't known that.
she lifts her hands to cup his face. takes the moment to set aside malyen oretsev. a breath, to place herself entirely back into nikolai's eyes, and the twinge of uncertainty there.
she has kissed him already since he came into her room, but this time, when her mouth closes over his, it is different. it is with the assurance that she understands fully the terms of what it means, and that changes nothing. that she has only ever thought of him when she kissed him, and that her affections are right here. ]