[ she knows herself for a hypocrite when she feels her shoulders sag at the mention of quentin. his other lover. it isn't fair of her. not when he roused her in ianthe's bed, not when ianthe had given alina a key to her home and an open door.
not when she had let aleksander violate her in every imaginable way in the library for no reason other than she craved it. she hasn't told him. she knows she owes it to him to tell him, but she hasn't found a way to say it, a way to admit it to herself. better to hide it.
nikolai has nothing to hide. it is the nature of this place that it's unrealistic to belong only to each other—when even friends may need their touch. it doesn't stop her from wanting it, fair or not. so though she doesn't let go of him when he mentions quentin's name, her chest feels heavier for it.
she does, however, glance briefly back to her bed — two beds, fused to one, because she has yet to let go of genya and her disappearance. months ago, and still ... ]
I'm sorry. [ her hold on nikolai shifts. her arms settle around his middle instead, and she settles her head against his chest. listens to his heart. it's hard for him, just like it would be hard for her if the same became of ianthe. ] Are you sure he's ... [ she frowns. is it a comfort, or is it worse? ] Maybe something happened. Or ... maybe he's upset?
(cw: refs to dubcon and unhealthy darkling shit)
not when she had let aleksander violate her in every imaginable way in the library for no reason other than she craved it. she hasn't told him. she knows she owes it to him to tell him, but she hasn't found a way to say it, a way to admit it to herself. better to hide it.
nikolai has nothing to hide. it is the nature of this place that it's unrealistic to belong only to each other—when even friends may need their touch. it doesn't stop her from wanting it, fair or not. so though she doesn't let go of him when he mentions quentin's name, her chest feels heavier for it.
she does, however, glance briefly back to her bed — two beds, fused to one, because she has yet to let go of genya and her disappearance. months ago, and still ... ]
I'm sorry. [ her hold on nikolai shifts. her arms settle around his middle instead, and she settles her head against his chest. listens to his heart. it's hard for him, just like it would be hard for her if the same became of ianthe. ] Are you sure he's ... [ she frowns. is it a comfort, or is it worse? ] Maybe something happened. Or ... maybe he's upset?