[ ana kuya had told her a thousand times how this exact sort of thinking (or not thinking) could ruin things for her. how it could trap her somewhere, tie her back from actually getting out of a place like keramzin and making herself something.
now, she already is something. the sun summoner. nikolai's queen. a living saint. if they returned to ravka hand-in-hand with their child already in their arms, would it make such a difference? wouldn't the people celebrate? ]
We'll be careful. [ she repeats, voice softer, pleading. ] And if we're not careful enough, I'll ask for Ianthe's help. [ a memory, ianthe eagerly offering to eat semen out of her while she necromantically removed any risk.
alina's chest twists with something strange as she tries to place this needy request, to trace it to its source. it is, on some level, the stubbornness of wanting to take it back for herself. to face part of what had unsettled her about her encounter with aleksander, and to claim it, and to make her body hers again without letting any of that fluttering fear control her.
but there's more than just her, here. and nikolai doesn't just mean the return to ravka, and having to justify themselves. he has other, more immediate concerns than whether or not alina starkov thinks she is ready to add mother to her list of titles. rubilykskoye is not a kind place, not a soft place. there are monsters among them. the kind that would devour a child, if they didn't tear it from her belly first.
she isn't ready to entertain the notion. not really. but even if she were, this isn't the time or place, and not only because only one of them has married the other. it just doesn't seem fair—that they can give all of themselves to ianthe and quentin, but not each other because of this fear. especially when she knows well that it hasn't stopped aleksander from taking it.
she huffs out a breath, drops her gaze to his mouth, to his chest, and then bites down on her lower lip. grappling with the fact that she has to give him room to refuse her, when he's never refused her before. with the need to remind herself that it is not the bones protruding from her shoulders, nor the sight of her naked body, but very real concerns. ] ... Don't you want to?
(cw: refs to abortion, sloppy seconds, hypothetical child/pregnancy violence, noncon)
now, she already is something. the sun summoner. nikolai's queen. a living saint. if they returned to ravka hand-in-hand with their child already in their arms, would it make such a difference? wouldn't the people celebrate? ]
We'll be careful. [ she repeats, voice softer, pleading. ] And if we're not careful enough, I'll ask for Ianthe's help. [ a memory, ianthe eagerly offering to eat semen out of her while she necromantically removed any risk.
alina's chest twists with something strange as she tries to place this needy request, to trace it to its source. it is, on some level, the stubbornness of wanting to take it back for herself. to face part of what had unsettled her about her encounter with aleksander, and to claim it, and to make her body hers again without letting any of that fluttering fear control her.
but there's more than just her, here. and nikolai doesn't just mean the return to ravka, and having to justify themselves. he has other, more immediate concerns than whether or not alina starkov thinks she is ready to add mother to her list of titles. rubilykskoye is not a kind place, not a soft place. there are monsters among them. the kind that would devour a child, if they didn't tear it from her belly first.
she isn't ready to entertain the notion. not really. but even if she were, this isn't the time or place, and not only because only one of them has married the other. it just doesn't seem fair—that they can give all of themselves to ianthe and quentin, but not each other because of this fear. especially when she knows well that it hasn't stopped aleksander from taking it.
she huffs out a breath, drops her gaze to his mouth, to his chest, and then bites down on her lower lip. grappling with the fact that she has to give him room to refuse her, when he's never refused her before. with the need to remind herself that it is not the bones protruding from her shoulders, nor the sight of her naked body, but very real concerns. ] ... Don't you want to?