[ It's a reminder of her bravery, in a sense. The words she's speaking, the visible reminder of what happened.
Even if the very story Daniel brought her here to tell is one he usually prefers to hide, he can't do that anymore either. Not to her. So he sucks in a breath, and then starts to speak. ]
Back home I do karate. [ It feels almost silly to start out that way, especially in the light of everything else here, in the light of everything about her, but Daniel feels like it's necessary context. ] It's-- It's a kind of martial arts.
[ Since he's definitely already ran into at least one person who absolutely did not know what karate is. ]
Back when I was your age, I was the local reigning champion. But-- um. [ He swallows. Even if Daniel is determined to tell her, it's still not easy. ] When I got into some trouble-- life-threatening trouble, and my teacher couldn't help me.. That's when Terry Silver appeared into my life. He was older than me, protective, charming, helpful.. He offered to teach me at a time when I desperately needed it, so I accepted his offer.
[ He glances away from her. ]
At first it was great. He seemed great. He really taught me things I had never learned before. He made me feel.. powerful. And special. [ His voice dips a little bit with that last word. Even if Daniel doesn't elaborate, there's clearly A Lot contained in that word, a whole lot of implications. ] But after a while.. I realised he had lied to me all along. He was the one who set up the initial trouble in the first place, knowing it would drive me into his claws. And he didn't want to train me in order to help me at all. He was just-- just using me. Changing me into something else.
[ Daniel pauses, just for a brief moment, and it's then that he's able to look over at Alina again. ]
I want to make sure he won't do that to anyone else here. I-- I wanted to make sure you knew.
[ Because clearly Alina has been through enough already. Her current appearance is proof of it. ]
[ so much of it sounds familiar—not in a comforting way, exactly, but in a way that stings. it's almost an indictment of her own foolishness, albeit gentler than baghra's accusations. she'd been such an idiot to believe that someone like aleksander could look at her and —
she blinks through the tears that rise up, making her eyes burn. she drops her gaze, breath caught in her throat, and breaks his gaze. she can't hold it. not while she's wrestling with the fresh surge of that feeling.
but by the time he is done, she has pushed it back down. she tugs her lip between her teeth, lifts her chin, breathes slow through her nose and nods. ]
There's a saying, [ she says finally, working her jaw, ] in Ravka. Amongst Grisha. "Like calls to like." [ they used it to articulate how grisha power worked, but it's not just grisha power. it's the whole universe, isn't it? and grisha just take advantage of those laws, those rules. ] I'm not surprised to hear Kirigan keeps company with men inclined to the same methods that he uses. [ the comment is barbed. but once she looks back into daniel's face, she softens. falters. says what she realizes she should have started with: ] I'm sorry that happened to you.
[ There's something about her reaction that makes having told this feel better and worse at the same time. It's worse since it hurts to see her in clear pain too, but at the same time-- it feels better to explain this entire story to someone who can understand due to experience. It doesn't make the shame vanish entirely, but it lightens a little bit, like a shared burden.
He holds her gaze when it returns to him, and despite what she's saying, he smiles a little bit. It's a tiny, sad smile. ]
I'm sorry too.
[ And not for himself. Even if she hasn't said it directly-- between what she said earlier across thoughts and how she's reacting now, it's easy to see the picture all the same. It's not just that Alina knows people like that - it's that was a victim of it. ]
I know it's hard. And it can't be any easier when you're still confronted with it here. [ There's a very visible reminder of it on her right now, after all. ]
Yes, I'm sure you believed he was well out of your life.
[ this she says rather than acknowledge that it's her they're talking about. she doesn't want to think about kirigan, exactly. she'd rather think about these two, and what they'd done to one another. what they'll continue to do to one another. ]
People trust him, here. He's going to use that. [ does she mean aleksander or terry? they're one in the same, in so many ways. ] And it will get easier and easier to malign anyone who opposes him.
[ Daniel isn't stupid. He can see what she's doing, but he'll let her. If anyone knows that this stuff isn't easy to talk or even think about, it's Daniel. ]
.. I know. [ He isn't stupid about that either. ] He's already done that before.
[ Not here, but back home. It's why Daniel doesn't doubt Terry would love to do the same thing again. ]
But.. [ He pauses, waiting for her to make eye contact, so he can push down the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach even further down, just enough so he can give her a tiny smile. ] That doesn't mean I have to just roll over and give up, right? It's not like I have nothing. For one, I know I'm not alone in this.
[ This time it's Daniel who's doing the opposite - speaking about himself, even though there's a clear implication in his voice that it's meant for her.
He gets it. And if Alina needs more support, then he'll definitely be in her corner, as someone who understands these things intricately well. ]
[ she comes up short. she's never had anyone question that line of thinking so directly before. she hears baghra's voice in her head, telling her what a stupid girl she is for letting aleksander manipulate her like he had. she shakes her head. ]
Because it's the truth. I make stupid decisions. Everyone saw it when we went inside the Duchess' castle. I was the only one who couldn't just keep my mouth shut, and Nikolai paid the price.
[ she doesn't know, of course, that daniel wasn't around for that. ]
And then there's this. [ she presses her palm to the center of her clavicle, the only part unbroken by aleksander's bones. anyone who'd attended the moot hall would know that she came by them by murdering him and fusing them to her body. ]
[ It's true - Daniel knows nothing about the first incident. And the second one-- well, he can't say he's the most informed person in this place in regards to that either.
But it doesn't matter. He's pretty sure that even having that knowledge wouldn't change his answer. ]
Everyone makes stupid decisions.
[ He won't tell her they weren't stupid - mostly because Daniel knows what it's like when you feel like you made one. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, it's going to feel stupid anyway.
Like when he walked right into Terry Silver's arms. ]
But our mistakes don't define us. Especially in-- [ He gestures a little with one hand. ] -- in this twisted place.
[ If anything, he'd blame Alina's mistakes more on that than on her. ]
You don't have to be my ally if you don't want to be. You don't even have to trust me. [ Considering the answer she gave before. ] You can view me as just some bothersome guy who doesn't know when to give up, just because he's been through something similar. But-- just know you're not alone in all of this. If you need help at any point, I'll give it to you. You just have to say the word.
[ she smothers some pained, grieving expression that leaks into her face. it is wet and trembling and lasts only a moment. something that he's said seems to push through. perhaps for no reason other than she wants allies, she wants to not be alone in this, but —
and as she says this, her voice quivers — ]
He'll kill you. If you're particularly unlucky, he'll make you wish you were dead.
[ He seems to think - but truly not for very long. Probably not as long as he should have. ]
That's fine. I refuse to let him isolate you. [ Even with a threat like that looming over his head. ] That's what they always try to do. We can't give in to that.
[ she is struck by that, enough to go silent for a moment. to have to blink and look away to try — to fail — to control the wetness behind her eyes and in her voice.
finally, she manages, ] That's a very stupid thing to do. I hope you don't regret it.
[ It sounds steadfast. Almost too confident. But it's not because Daniel is confident he won't get hurt - he actually isn't very sure of that one. It's just that he knows turning away from her would give him far more regret than him getting himself in trouble over this ever would.
It makes it easy to be sure. Even more so in the light of her near-tears. He hopes it can be reassuring to her. ]
So-- just remember. I'm always only a thought away if you need my help. [ And, since he can tell it's all a little heavy for her - and with good reason - he adds with a bit more lightheartedness: ] And you can let me know in turn if you ever manage to say something that annoys Terry. I'd love to hear.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: talk of an adult manipulating and abusing a teenager
Even if the very story Daniel brought her here to tell is one he usually prefers to hide, he can't do that anymore either. Not to her. So he sucks in a breath, and then starts to speak. ]
Back home I do karate. [ It feels almost silly to start out that way, especially in the light of everything else here, in the light of everything about her, but Daniel feels like it's necessary context. ] It's-- It's a kind of martial arts.
[ Since he's definitely already ran into at least one person who absolutely did not know what karate is. ]
Back when I was your age, I was the local reigning champion. But-- um. [ He swallows. Even if Daniel is determined to tell her, it's still not easy. ] When I got into some trouble-- life-threatening trouble, and my teacher couldn't help me.. That's when Terry Silver appeared into my life. He was older than me, protective, charming, helpful.. He offered to teach me at a time when I desperately needed it, so I accepted his offer.
[ He glances away from her. ]
At first it was great. He seemed great. He really taught me things I had never learned before. He made me feel.. powerful. And special. [ His voice dips a little bit with that last word. Even if Daniel doesn't elaborate, there's clearly A Lot contained in that word, a whole lot of implications. ] But after a while.. I realised he had lied to me all along. He was the one who set up the initial trouble in the first place, knowing it would drive me into his claws. And he didn't want to train me in order to help me at all. He was just-- just using me. Changing me into something else.
[ Daniel pauses, just for a brief moment, and it's then that he's able to look over at Alina again. ]
I want to make sure he won't do that to anyone else here. I-- I wanted to make sure you knew.
[ Because clearly Alina has been through enough already. Her current appearance is proof of it. ]
no subject
she blinks through the tears that rise up, making her eyes burn. she drops her gaze, breath caught in her throat, and breaks his gaze. she can't hold it. not while she's wrestling with the fresh surge of that feeling.
but by the time he is done, she has pushed it back down. she tugs her lip between her teeth, lifts her chin, breathes slow through her nose and nods. ]
There's a saying, [ she says finally, working her jaw, ] in Ravka. Amongst Grisha. "Like calls to like." [ they used it to articulate how grisha power worked, but it's not just grisha power. it's the whole universe, isn't it? and grisha just take advantage of those laws, those rules. ] I'm not surprised to hear Kirigan keeps company with men inclined to the same methods that he uses. [ the comment is barbed. but once she looks back into daniel's face, she softens. falters. says what she realizes she should have started with: ] I'm sorry that happened to you.
no subject
He holds her gaze when it returns to him, and despite what she's saying, he smiles a little bit. It's a tiny, sad smile. ]
I'm sorry too.
[ And not for himself. Even if she hasn't said it directly-- between what she said earlier across thoughts and how she's reacting now, it's easy to see the picture all the same. It's not just that Alina knows people like that - it's that was a victim of it. ]
I know it's hard. And it can't be any easier when you're still confronted with it here. [ There's a very visible reminder of it on her right now, after all. ]
no subject
[ this she says rather than acknowledge that it's her they're talking about. she doesn't want to think about kirigan, exactly. she'd rather think about these two, and what they'd done to one another. what they'll continue to do to one another. ]
People trust him, here. He's going to use that. [ does she mean aleksander or terry? they're one in the same, in so many ways. ] And it will get easier and easier to malign anyone who opposes him.
no subject
.. I know. [ He isn't stupid about that either. ] He's already done that before.
[ Not here, but back home. It's why Daniel doesn't doubt Terry would love to do the same thing again. ]
But.. [ He pauses, waiting for her to make eye contact, so he can push down the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach even further down, just enough so he can give her a tiny smile. ] That doesn't mean I have to just roll over and give up, right? It's not like I have nothing. For one, I know I'm not alone in this.
[ This time it's Daniel who's doing the opposite - speaking about himself, even though there's a clear implication in his voice that it's meant for her.
He gets it. And if Alina needs more support, then he'll definitely be in her corner, as someone who understands these things intricately well. ]
no subject
[ she looks piteous, shaking her head. draws a breath to re-center herself and pick her approach. ]
You should know I have a tendency to be more liability than useful ally.
no subject
Why would you say that about yourself?
(cw: corpse mutilation refs, victim blaming)
[ she comes up short. she's never had anyone question that line of thinking so directly before. she hears baghra's voice in her head, telling her what a stupid girl she is for letting aleksander manipulate her like he had. she shakes her head. ]
Because it's the truth. I make stupid decisions. Everyone saw it when we went inside the Duchess' castle. I was the only one who couldn't just keep my mouth shut, and Nikolai paid the price.
[ she doesn't know, of course, that daniel wasn't around for that. ]
And then there's this. [ she presses her palm to the center of her clavicle, the only part unbroken by aleksander's bones. anyone who'd attended the moot hall would know that she came by them by murdering him and fusing them to her body. ]
no subject
But it doesn't matter. He's pretty sure that even having that knowledge wouldn't change his answer. ]
Everyone makes stupid decisions.
[ He won't tell her they weren't stupid - mostly because Daniel knows what it's like when you feel like you made one. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, it's going to feel stupid anyway.
Like when he walked right into Terry Silver's arms. ]
But our mistakes don't define us. Especially in-- [ He gestures a little with one hand. ] -- in this twisted place.
[ If anything, he'd blame Alina's mistakes more on that than on her. ]
You don't have to be my ally if you don't want to be. You don't even have to trust me. [ Considering the answer she gave before. ] You can view me as just some bothersome guy who doesn't know when to give up, just because he's been through something similar. But-- just know you're not alone in all of this. If you need help at any point, I'll give it to you. You just have to say the word.
no subject
and as she says this, her voice quivers — ]
He'll kill you. If you're particularly unlucky, he'll make you wish you were dead.
no subject
Instead he still has that same concerned little frown on his face as he asks her: ]
He'd do that to someone just for being friendly to you?
no subject
[ she admits it with a little shake of her head, her lips forced into a flat line. ]
no subject
[ He seems to think - but truly not for very long. Probably not as long as he should have. ]
That's fine. I refuse to let him isolate you. [ Even with a threat like that looming over his head. ] That's what they always try to do. We can't give in to that.
no subject
finally, she manages, ] That's a very stupid thing to do. I hope you don't regret it.
no subject
[ It sounds steadfast. Almost too confident. But it's not because Daniel is confident he won't get hurt - he actually isn't very sure of that one. It's just that he knows turning away from her would give him far more regret than him getting himself in trouble over this ever would.
It makes it easy to be sure. Even more so in the light of her near-tears. He hopes it can be reassuring to her. ]
So-- just remember. I'm always only a thought away if you need my help. [ And, since he can tell it's all a little heavy for her - and with good reason - he adds with a bit more lightheartedness: ] And you can let me know in turn if you ever manage to say something that annoys Terry. I'd love to hear.
no subject
I'll bear that in mind.